I miss Aubrey (aka I forgot how to write again)

Last night I tried to think of a blog post to write for today.  I spent a lot of time thinking about it actually.  The things I do so you guys can have fresh blog content to read.  But I wasn’t coming up with any good ideas for topics.  So I had one of my weekly battles with a teensy bit of writing self doubt.

I flung everything off of my desk and on to the floor.  I put my fist through the wall.  I fell to my knees and tore off my shirt (revealing the Danity Kane tattoo across my chest.)  I tilted my head skyward (ceilingward?), threw my hands in the air and screamed “Whyyyyyyyy?  Why am I such a crap writer?!?  Fuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!”

Or, you know, I plopped down on my bed and watched a re-broadcast of a soccer match from the weekend.  (Italian Serie A!)

I woke up this morning, slightly dopier but still lacking ideas for a blog post.

I grabbed my laptop and checked my gmail.  As periodically happens, tia gchatted me with a “Crap.  If you are up, I should be going to sleep” message.

But before shuffling off to sleep, she told me “Go comment on my blog post.”  (Married women must take a course on how to talk to dudes.)

So I went and commented on her post.

And I read it.

It is about dating rules.

Then I wondered if a post about dating rules from the male perspective would be interesting.

And then I realized that I might not be the best source for such information.

So I thought about dating things that would work on me specifically.  Or on dudes just like me.  (Poor bastards.)

But then I realized it was too fucking early to write a blog post, so I cuddled under the covers with my laptop and watched an episode of “Coupling.”

(This is a pretty gripping running commentary, eh?  Hmmmm?  Mmhm.)

Eventually I crawled out of bed because of an overwhelming desire to be super productive.  (Read: I was hungry as shit.)  And then I started typing.  This.

And here we are.

tia’s first rule is that women should wait for the guy to call.  I don’t necessarily agree.  I think it is awesome when a girl calls.  Well, a girl I am interested in anyway.  When a girl calls, it stops me from having this conversation with myself:

“I wonder when I should call.  Does she want me to call at all?   Do girls give their numbers to be polite?  Of course she wants me to call.  I’m adorable.  Man, I have been jokingly telling people I’m adorable for so long that it is creeping into my inner dialogue.  That… probably isn’t good.  Well I do think I’m a little adorable.  The Slap Chop DOES look useful..”

And you ladies think it is soooooo easy for guys.

I sometimes get comments like “You’re a writer, I’m sure you have no problem coming up with things to say to women.”

But that’s not strictly true.

This is just between us?

I am not great at saying things to women.


I am considerably better at saying things BACK to women.  My replying is far superior to my initiating.

I’m not sure why.

I think I feel more comfy — and my sense of humour works better — in a give and take situation.  That and my personality is better suited for sitting back and making snarky comments.

Still, depending on the situation, I can usually muster up enough charm to get by.  Unless…

Unless I have an actual crush.

Peter with a crush forgets how to talk to women.  And he forgets how not to talk to women.  Two things that are moderately useful when, you know, TALKING TO WOMEN.

Thankfully my real crushes occur less often than Winter Olympicses.

Thankfully? Maybe if I got them more often, I’d figure out what to do with them.

My point?

The universe and my personality are conspiring to keep me single.


Since this post blows, I am going to turn it into one of those deals where the blogger asks the readers questions to distract from that fact.  We’re sneeeeaaaky.

1) Tell me a dating rule that you always follow.

2)  Tell me a dating rule that a guy/girl/ life-like futuristic cyborg should follow to win your love.

35 thoughts on “I miss Aubrey (aka I forgot how to write again)

  1. Dude … fourth season of Coupling … there’s this guy who has a crush on Jane but can’t speak to her. There’s this awesome dialog where she insults him about his inability, as a heterosexual guy to speak to women.

  2. Let your mind go, and your body will follow. That’s all.

    Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of crap that gets in the way…most of the time.

  3. Pretty sure I once wrote a post on dating rules…and have since broken every single one. If I learned anything from (500) Days of Summer (what? not a reliable source?), it’s that contemporary dudes are kind of pussies.

    I’ve always been most interested in the guys who walk up, introduce themselves, make conversation, and then ask to take me out. Sounds terribly simple, but works every time.

  4. 1) He should always call first. Since HE asked you out.
    2) Make me laugh. Make me tingle. Make me feel like you are George Clooney.

  5. 1. Never delete a phone number from your contacts because a.) you may need to screen some day or b.) you may decide you want to try round 2 with them.

    2. You know that place on a girl’s neck between her ear and her collarbone? Yeah, that. Whoa.

  6. Having spent my dating years in either long relationships or brief physical dalliances, I have scant actual *rules* for how to date. There are two, though:
    1. He must make the first move/phone call. Yep, fellas, sorry about that one.
    2. He must express genuine interest in you as a person and not just a potential romantic interest.

    After that, it’s all a matter of tastes and personalities. And actually, I really like how Tia said it – “find [your] own happiness.”

  7. 1. Pick me up. I don’t know how to operate a vehicle so it’s a complete no-go if the guy asks me to bus/cab it to our date spot.

    2. Be a “cool nerd”. I mean internet-meme-quoting, movie-referencing, video game-playing dork who has other interests and hobbies, but will get my No cure for Cancer and 4chan references or play a mean game of Left 4 Dead with me.

  8. i inspired peter dewolf.

    i can now check that off the life list.

    lovely talking to you this morning, my dear.

    (and the whole “class on talking to men” thing? i’m just a natural.)

  9. 1. Hook up on one of the first 3 dates. Every time I “do the right thing” and wait until I know the guy I’m surprised by some odd sexual fetish. It’s my new rule.

    2. Be chivalrous. Open doors, pull out chairs, pay for stuff. I dig it.

  10. I have NEVER disagreed more with a blog post in my entire life. Tia is going to hate me. That post is bullshit and I’m telling her so.

    I love the internets. She can’t punch me through my screen.

  11. YES there ARE rules. Just the same as there are rules like…you can’t tell your boss to go screw himself…and you can’t ask a woman when she’s due, no matter how big her belly, unless she has openly said that she is in fact prego.

    1. A rule I follow… Don’t think or act like anyone is “out of your league.” If you think like that it will show.

    2. A rule to win my love…Make me feel like the hottest woman in the room/world.

  12. 1. Be honest and kind

    2. Do not order a giant unmanageable sandwich on a first date. You’ll wind up getting nervous and self conscious and incapable of finishing said sandwich and your date will feel compelled to carry the soggy remains around for you for the rest of the afternoon…no? just me?

  13. 1. I’m honest to a fault and I like setting aside certain days every so often just for “us” — you know, just me and him (whoever and wherever he may be) not at a bar/party/large group event.

    2. Give me the distance I need and don’t feel like you need to be with me all the time. No sunflower can bloom in the shade.

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