I have a confession…

I don’t own any porn.

It’s true.

Take a moment to wipe your Bloody Mary off of your monitor.

I don’t make this confession to try to impress women and to have them reply with things like:

“My word, Peter is such a gentleman!”

“Yes, quite!”

Mostly because I rarely ever date snooty rich British ladies.

From cartoons.

It’s just a fact. And one I touched on over at The ‘Stache ages ago.

I have owned one Playboy magazine. It was the one with Drew Barrymore. I still remember buying it.

I slapped that magazine down on the counter and said, “Ring that up for me, shopkeep!”

Which, to the untrained ear, might have sounded remarkably like, “Can..uhm… I also have.. a, you know, pack… of Triiii*voice cracks*iiident gum?”

I’ve had friends say, “But porn… blah blah blah… fuels the imagination.”

Clearly they’ve never met my imagination. It needs no help. It’s the best porn ever.

Also, in my imagination there are no ginormous fake breasts, cheesy dialog, or vagina-adjacent tattoos of Screaming Eagles.

Maybe a black panther though.

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10 Responses

  1. A Lil' Irish Lass says:

    You struck me as more the erotic literature type anyway.

  2. deutlich says:

    Well, go figure! I, on the other hand, own LOTS of porn.

    True story.

  3. BS says:

    An ex contended that no man needs to own porn anymore, what with the internet and all.

  4. JenBun says:

    I still say you’re missing out…

    It doesn’t ALL have to be ginormous fake breasts, cheesy dialogue, and vadge tats…

    I mean, most of it is, but it doesn’t HAVE to be.

    Sometimes it is a touching story of the love between your former-high-school classmate and a foot-long weiner. True story.

    (Also? I would imagine you would have ALL SORTS of homemade porn. But that may just be my imagination, now…)

  5. kristin says:

    hahaha. i loved this.

    funny thing. my roommate gets playboy. it’s a joke from a male friend of hers who subscribes her every year because he gets some distant joy out of the image of her retrieving it from the mailbox and looking around to make sure nobody sees her – or me. i’m sure the mailman is all judgy, though.

  6. Essentially Me says:

    You’re a catch whether you own porn or not!

  7. Susie says:

    Duh, Peter, you don’t have to own it when it comes free on the Internet.

    JK…if this is true, then you are an extraordinary man. Not that I didn’t already know that.

    I’ve missed you!

  8. Paige Jennifer says:

    I once dated a guy who claimed to own no porn. Turned out he was gay. And lying. Because when I borrowed his computer, there was plenty o’ porn to be found. Just not the kind I was used to seeing.

  9. Tia says:

    damnit. and here i had you pegged for the “ridiculously huge and rather disturbing” porn collection.

    ohwell.

  10. Hollywood Sucker says:

    The boyfriend (fiance now i guess) used to subscribe to Playboy and I liked looking through them when he wasn’t paying attention. But then one day they stopped showing up and I asked if he’d canceled them and he had and I wanted to protest but I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.

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