I Got Your Questions Right Here…

If the first thing I did this morning — even before getting out of bed — was watch Argentinian soccer highlights, would that make me a sports addict?

Just curious…

How about if I was completely and utterly fixated on tomorrow’s Raptors/Nets playoff game?

Probably, eh?

Oh well…

While I was watching said soccer highlights — it was Boca Juniors vs. River Plate — I saw a commercial for eHarmony.ca

I didn’t know that there was a Canadian version of the popular (I’m guessing) dating website. (Didn’t I go to the ‘online dating for blog fodder’ well already?)

From what I can gather, eHarmony is a site where you answer an assload of questions, they take the results and perform some math voodoo on ’em, and then the site spits out a list of potential matches.

Sure. Nothing says romance and true love like a sexy math equation. Mrrrrrrooowwwrrrrr.

Let’s pretend that I believe compatibility is somehow quantifiable. I think I’d have some serious concerns about the type of questions they’d ask. eHarmony doesn’t know me, man. They don’t know what is important to me.

You know what? I think I’ll pop over to eHarmony.ca right now. And, if it doesn’t involve registering, or doing anything resembling work, I am going to bring back some examples of the questions they use.

[Elevator music plays.]

I’m back.

Curses! They did make me register.

The things I do for you people.

I registered as “Raoul” from Toronto.

Okay, the first section contains 19 questions. And they are the super annoying kind where there are 7 options for how much it sounds like you, ranging from “not at all” to “somewhat” to “abso-fucking-lutely” “very much”

And I can’t see the next set of questions until I answer these. Diabolical.

Here are some highlights:

#3 I feel unable to deal with things.

What the hell? Raoul does NOT like feeling like he’s being analyzed.

#7 I often carry the conversation to a higher level.

If by “higher level” you mean sprinkle it with obscure Simpsons references then, yeah, that’s a big “very much” from me.

#9 I often make others feel good.

Did eHarmony just ask me if I was a manwhore?

#19 I get angry easily.

You really want to ask that after 19 idiotic questions?

FYI: I filled it in to make Raoul sound completely evil. Just on the off chance that eHarmony will return a “Dude, have you considered a monastery?” verdict.

On to page #2…

Eeeesh. It is “Self Descriptions.”

“Warm,” “Clever,” “Dominant,” etc. 19 of them!

I am going to select “Not very” for all of them except for “quarrelsome.” That one gets a “Very much.”

(I tried to ignore “Aloof,” but they made me go back and answer it.)

Hit “submit” and…

Oh crap. Section three is more Self Description. 18 more.

They all get “Not very” except for “Attractive.”

Come on.

Next section…

Are you kidding me? More Self Description?

“Vivacious?”

Oh yeah, I am lousy with vivaciousness.

No wonder there are so many single people. Dinners for one and rampant, rampant masturbation have never looked so appealing.

Okay, finally a new section…

You have to select four words that your friends would use to describe you.

Sadly “writes annoyingly long blog posts” isn’t an option.

I pick the first 4 and move on.

[Peter note: At this point I am completely aware that this post has gotten away from me. I should either end it or just delete it. But, I am just too stubborn for that. Perhaps I should go back and change my answer to that in section 2.]

The next section is…

“Personal Characteristics.”

How in the world is that different than “Self Descriptions?”

Examples:

I have a high desire for sexual activity

Not after finishing this son of a bitch.

I often see humour in everyday life

See above.

I greatly appreciate the physical beauty of the opposite sex

Naaaaw. I’m going through all of this hassle for companionship. Jackass.

I like to look at people of the opposite sex

How is that different than the last question?

Are you trying to “out” me, eHarmony?

What have you heard?

I gave them all 4s.

Ha! eHarmony caught me:

“We notice that every question on this page currently has the same answer. This usually indicates that a user is rushing through our process, which has a negative impact on our ability to create compatible matches.”

Next section…

Are you kidding me? More “Personal Characteristics”:

I tend to either like someone a lot or dislike him/her a lot

I despise YOU, eHarmony.

When I get mad I tend to take it out on someone

You better hope not.

Next section… “About your feelings.”

Ugh.

And I notice that I am only 42% done with the questionnaire.

Seriously.

Yeah, I can’t finish this.

In conclusion, I’d have to say that my initial reaction to eHarmony is not a great one. In fact, as far as how I’d deal with being single, I’d rank my options thusly:

1) Prostitution
2) Chemical castration
3) eHarmony
4) Italian chick

As far as the questions they asked, I am not sure that they get to the source of what I’d want to know about a woman.

Sure, she is gorgeous, smart, funny and has an ass that I’d wrestle a grizzly bear just to see pictures of, but if she selected “very much” for “keep your room messy,” that chick is out.

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No Responses

  1. themikestand says:

    Are you sure you didn’t run into this one?

    Q:Immediate gratification is important to me.

    [A: “Very much”]

  2. The Stormin Mormon says:

    LOL…

    I love the post label.

  3. MissE says:

    See this is why Speed Dating is so much easier – you get to see the prospective date immediately and then you can both jump to barely substantiated conclusions about one another based on the 7-8 minutes of interaction that you’ve been given.

    It’s like movie trailers.

    Plus no stupid-arse questionaires to answer – although I appreciate your efforts on that front, Peter. Fricking HILarious!

  4. Amy says:

    Just last night my Aunt and Cousin were here. Their latest online activity is trolling around a specific online dating service to find people they know. So far they have found about 50 people. They really love to read what people say about them selves when trying to attract a mate. From what they tell me…people lie! I know…hard to believe! So I guess it doesn’t really matter how good (or amusing, or annoying) e-harmony’s questions are.

    But you know, that “Raoul” from Toronto must be telling the truth. Who would lie about stuff like that? Who doesn’t love an honest man? “Raoul” might have had a chance if he stuck around to finish that questionnaire. I love him! He made me laugh so hard snot came flying out my nose.

  5. Steph says:

    LMAO! The things we do for blog fodder. I’m sure you’ll meet your soul mate and she’ll be a neat freak too ;)

  6. Peter says:

    themikestand: Pretty sure. I think that one would have stuck in my memory. :)

    stormin: Thanks, man.

    misse: Thanks! Hmmm. I wonder how I’d handle speed dating. “Yeah, I already told my life story to that previous chick. Why don’t you go get it from her.”

    amy: 50 people? From around here? Interesting… I should have finished the profile. You gotta wonder if even Raoul could find love on eHarmony. You also gotta wonder what kind of crazyass answers women would have to give to get mixed up with him.

    steph: Blogging is no joke, eh? We put ourselves on the line for our readers. And they so rarely send nude pics as a thanks. Hmmph.

  7. Amy says:

    Not exactly from around here. My relatives live on the “mainland”.

    Actually, I’m a little bored right now. I might just pop on over to that site myself to see if I can find people I know. After hearing what my aunt and cousin had to say, I am very curious to see what goes on at that site.

  8. Eve says:

    That shit is such a scam. They want to help you find happiness? Yeah right. Hence the fee and minimum time commitment.

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