I endorse this message.

I think that everyone who reads me knows that I have done as much as anyone to raise the level of discourse on blogs.

I am a tireless advocate for people doing their best to write well.

I often urge bloggers to tackle the tough issues.

And, with that in mind, I’d like to write a post about…

“The Five Most Bangable First Ladies EVER.”

(It seemed like a natural progression from “Which of the Golden Girls would I sleep with…”)

Before I start, I have a complaint. How friggin’ unfair is it that I can’t include Laura Bush? She could be an honest-to-goodness naughty librarian! But, I could never even imagine putting my hands on anything Dubya has touched. Women… bongs… foreign policy… NUFFIN’.

With that said, let’s get to it…

5) Helen “Hot Legs” Taft

Seriously. Look at her trying to show off her stems.

Her nickname was “Nellie.” Which reminds me of the movie NELL. Which reminds me of Jodie Foster. Who, let’s face it, has the sex appeal of a wet wool sock.

And yet Helen showing her toe like that has drive me to distraction. One can only imagine what her ankles look like. Mrrrooowwrrr.

[It was at this point that your intrepid blogger felt the farthest away from his long dreamed about career as a serious writer…]

4) Louisa Adams

Any chick that will wear that hat has some confidence. She’s very secure.

Also, I like that she looks a little bored. She’s seen and done it all. No need to put on a show to impress her. She’d be OK with a quiet night at home listening to Olivia Newton John and spooning…

Uhm, I mean sex. Lots of naughty sex.

With me wearing her hat.

3) Hannah Hoes Van Buren

Her maiden name is Hoes.


Come on.

2) Sarah Polk

I’d set the over/under on how many times a week I’d say, “Who wants a Polk? I wanna Polk!” at ten.

And look at that smirk. She knows a secret. A dirrrty little secret.

And it involves a riding crop.

1) Dolley Madison

First of all, check out the cleavage. “Hello, Dolley!” indeed.

At the time, or possibly some time after (what the fuck do I know?) someone said of Dolley, “With her charm and her laughing blue eyes, fair skin, and black curls…” I think that sounds like a little bit of OK.

Some other historical know-it-all said, “She looked a Queen…It would be absolutely impossible for any one to behave with more perfect propriety than she did.” If that doesn’t scream “Corrupt me!” then I don’t know what does.

“Blessed with a desire to please and a willingness to be pleased…”

Dolley Madison for the win.

10 thoughts on “I endorse this message.

  1. That was HILARIOUS!

    You may not (always) be a serious writer, but you are a GOOD one, and that’s what counts. This post had the potential to go… somewhere else. Too funny!

    Also: “You made me spit coffee!” True story. It’s all over my office now.

    High compliments indeed. ;)

  2. This seriously made my day. You’re amazing.

    I’m guessing Nancy Reagan didn’t make the list because of that whole “Just Say No” campaign, huh? That I can understand, but no Betty Ford? I mean, it would certainly be easy to get her all liquored up and ready for action.

  3. for me, the most disturbing part of the entire post was having to imagine dubya putting his hands on anyone. SHUDDER.

  4. You are seriously in need of mental therapy. AND getting polked. I have my doubts about the “bangability” of ladies in old paintings though. Numbers 3 and 4 could very easily be men.

  5. Oh my lord, that was hysterical! I don’t know which one I liked best, but I think Hot Legs Taft with her pointy toes has got it.

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