i can’t think of a decent title, future wife

Hi, sweetie.

I hope you’re having a good day.

Some interesting things have happened since I started writing these letters to you.

1) I’ve received a few e-mails and comments from women telling me that they could be you. (I’ve received even more reminding me, in no uncertain terms, that you are not necessarily a brunette.)

2) I’ve received e-mails/IMs/etc. from people saying some version of “If you lived here, I would so set you up with my friend _________. I think she could be FW!”

Curiosity — and being a silly romantic — leads to me asking for details on the woman.

Sometimes she sounds a little like she could be you.

Sometimes… yeah, no.

But it always intrigues me how people see you. And when it differs from my vision of you, I wonder if I am doing a bad job with these letters.

Or maybe there’s some projecting on their part.

And, of course, it could be based on other posts.

Some of these “I have a friend” people say things like “I can’t believe you are single.”

I’m usually tempted to reply, “Spend a bit of time with me and see what you think…”

Wait… Why am I telling you this? Forget I said anything.


If these hypothetical setter uppers asked me for guidance on how to tell if their friend is you, I would say:

“FW is…

Smart in a clever way.
Clever in a funny way.
Funny in an adorable way.
Adorable in…

My favourite ways.

She’s at least 27.*

She’s the friend about whom you might say things like, ‘I just love her,’ ‘She’s awesome,’ ‘If I was a guy, I’d date her!’ or “She has an ass like a ripe nectarine!”



She’s kind. She’s sweet. She’s loyal. She’s good with kids.

She’s good with overgrown, unshaven kids.

And this part is VERY important…

She KNOWS, without the slightest doubt, that there is no way Forest Gump should have beaten either Shawshank or Pulp Fiction for the ’94 Best Picture Oscar.”

You sound pretty good, eh?

I really enjoy writing these letters to you, lady. They feel very natural. They are all first drafts.

I don’t stress over finding the perfect words, because I know you’ll just… get it.

You know?

Of course you do.


*If you are under 27, I suppoooooose I can deal with that. But too many age jokes and we are going to have a problem, woman.





photo credit: Achromatic Lodge via photopin cc

20 thoughts on “i can’t think of a decent title, future wife

  1. It’s not too late to start, Peter! Cheat and use some recent word doodles to make up for the last …11 (?) days.

    I assume I’m going to marry someone dark also. Blondes just don’t do it for me. However, I also know that, if my soul-mate is fair, I’ll just start liking blondes.

    (Haha, I can’t believe I just wrote that.)

  2. The age issue has come up…do you have a maximum age? Fair warning about your FW, my last BF was *three* years older than I, and he received constant shit about being old. He loved it. Okay, sort of not. But a little.

    Proving I’m not FW, I have to say that Forrest Gump winning was not altogether objectionable. PF *couldn’t* have won Best Picture, and no one had seen Shawshank at that point. However, Dances With Wolves taking it over Goodfellas in 1990 was a travesty (forcing us to wait 16 years for another gangster film by Scorcese, so we could give him his Goodfellas Oscar), and echoes of my *outrage* caused by Crash winning for 2005 over Brokeback Mountain still pulsate over the plains of the Midwest.

  3. Recently my friend Nathan (10 years my senior) was referencing the OJ trial to me “Back in the OJ trial… before your existence…”
    I may have been six years old but I fucking existed when OJ was charged, thankyouverymuch.
    So, you know, the age thing goes both ways.

  4. I’m not in the running for FW or anything, being happily married and all, but I must say that I’m 27, I’ve met quite a few of your criteria to date, I want a wallet that has Bad Mother Effer embroidered on it and Shawshank is my FAVORITE movie. EVER. I watch it obsessively, which is probably not something you want in your FW. Note to you. I’m kind of crazy pants, so FW might be too. Just sayin’.

  5. this is funny. I dislike Forest Gump, that movie just got under my skin like ringworm…I’d write more and maybe even try to be witty but…I might have motivation problems.

  6. I’m 25 and once dated a guy 12 years older than me, so you know, age doesn’t mean anything.

    and I think you should stick with wanting a brunette. Really- we do have more fun.

    I think by now you should post a Girlfriend Application and see where it goes, or perhaps a follow up to the first date questionnaire. What are your second date questions?

  7. I know exactly who you are describing as your FW…. unfortunately she is already taken and I plan on marrying here in the very near future. Sorry bud..

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