how to treat a woman

Because of some of the blog posts here, on a number of occasions, blog readers have asked me to give advice to their boyfriends (or potential future boyfriends) on how to treat a woman.

This normally took place while I was in the midst of a Jews-in-the-desert like stretch of singledom. So my replies would usually take the form of “Really? I’M your go-to guy on this? Have you given any thought to joining a convent?”

But I like to help out the other bros when I can. So here is…

How To Treat a Woman:

1) If you like a girl, LIKE the girl. Make sure she knows. Tell her that you like her. If it was me, I’d say something like, “Hey. I like you.” I’m creative like that.

2) Don’t play games. You’re probably not smart enough to win them.

3) If you get a girl’s number, USE it. Don’t wait three days. Hell, don’t wait three hours if you don’t want to. Personally I’d text within the hour with, “Your number is now in my phone. Congratulations. Your life is about to change in wonderful ways.” (But I was born adorable, so this may not work as well for you.)

4) If she says “I’d like that” in that cuuute voice of hers when discussing the idea of you watching a movie with her involving sparkly vampires and werewolves with a strong aversion to wearing shirts, just watch the damn movie. It’s not that big of a deal. Plus you can console yourself with the knowledge that Rachelle Lefevre is in it. Even if she only appears for about seven minutes in the first movie. You know, from what I’ve heard…

5) Once you get her, keep working as if you haven’t succeeded yet. Use whatever skills you have. If you’re creative, create shit. Every single day. If you can cook, then cook. If you’re handy, then build and fix things. Put in the effort. She’s worth it. Because at the end of the day…

She lets you see her boobs. Her. BOOBS. Come on.

6) Go the extra mile. Think about what you could do that would embarrass you if your buddies heard about it. Then go 30% further.

7) Slap her on the bum in the bedroom. And anywhere else, really.

8) Listen. To everything. I don’t understand dudes who can’t think of gift ideas for their girls. She gives you hints all year long. Keep track of them. Christmas is rolling around and you’re trying to decide what to get? Refer to your notes. In September she pointed out a necklace she likes. In November she mentioned wanting a longer necklace to wear with that shirt that fits her so sexily that it makes your inner monologue stutter. So you get her that necklace.

a) You make her happy.
b) She loves you for listening.
c) She wears that shirt more often… ManlySwoon.

9) Try to get to know her.

And NOT just because her feeling like you know her — really know her — will make her more likely to do that thing. You know that thing. *Nods slowly* She’ll see through that. Do it because you like her. You do. I know our male brains are conditioned not to recognize the symptoms — like we also don’t realize when we’re getting older, or are completely lost — but you wouldn’t be reading a post written by some Canadian joker that she sent you if you didn’t.

It’s like this, if you don’t know her middle name, favourite flower, favourite cheese and what she called her childhood blanket, then you’re doing something wrong.

10) Talk to her. Girls want to know what you’re thinking. *Peter looks both ways to make sure no women are reading* Trust me, you do not want their imaginations filling in the blanks. That’s just bad bananas all around, yo.

Tell her what you’re thinking. Good (with a smile) and bad (with delicacy.)

Opening up makes her feel closer to you. (You will like the fact that it will make her feel less inhibited with you.) And it feels nice to have someone you can talk to. No. Really.

Plus if you get all those thoughts out of your head, it leaves more room for fantasy baseball stats and for thinking of ways to get her to do that thing…

And if, after you’ve bumbled your way through all of that, she decides to keep you around…

Hold on tight.

You probably still don’t deserve her.

[Check out “How to treat a man.“]

38 thoughts on “how to treat a woman

  1. Sooo what if there is no one right now? When is a good time and what is a good way to show someone this? (“Accidentally” of course)

    Also, I apparently treat men like how you should treat a woman. It explains a lot. Maybe I should butt-slap less often…

    • Seem’s like it would work well both ways. If my girlfriend treated me this way i would feel pretty good,even if she was slapping butt.

  2. I love this (especially 1, 2 and 3). This should be required reading in Man School. Required reading in Woman School would be He’s Just Not That Into You. Seriously, though. The next man who comes into my life is getting this link and I’m not even going to try to be sneaky about it (no games!).

  3. I totally just emailed the link to my boyfriend; he actually does most of this and totally rocks but thought he’d like to see it anyway :) Great post!

  4. Seriously, why can’t all men figure this out? Thankfully, we have you to educate them. I’m glad someone said it, cause really, if a guy did this for me, I’d be completely whipped. Easy as pie.

  5. Personally, I would like to take part of Felisa’s comment and run with it.

    You should post a “how to treat a man” follow up post. From your perspective. What would you like women to know about how to treat their man?

    Not that I’d get it right anyway, but I’m sure other women probably could.

  6. Last night, while sitting on the rooftop of some Cape Town bar, I shared this blog post with a friend. She snorted a couple of times. And even felt the need to repeat the following out loud, “She lets you see her boobs. Her. BOOBS.”

  7. “Girls want to know what you’re thinking. *Peter looks both ways to make sure no women are reading* Trust me, you do not want their imaginations filling in the blanks.” Seriously. S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y Cannot tell you how many millions of arguments could have been avoided because dudes just don’t get this.

  8. Perfect, as usual. I love it when men “create shit” for me. *snickers*

    But really, insightful and apt, though you forgot to mention that you shouldn’t always take us as seriously as we take ourselves. More scrunches that way.

  9. Written out this way (very well written) it just doesn’t seem as complicated as life has lead me to believe it is. And it’d be so worth it for guys because YOU GET TO SEE THE BOOBS. Yeesh.

  10. When I make my East Coast road trip to visit Andrea, I’m totally going to visit you too. I just want you to know I will only be 60% surprised if you turn out to be a woman.

    I mean, excellent insight fella!

  11. i’m so happy to have stumbled upon your beautiful blog. you have a rare gift. thanks for sharing it with the world.

    follow our foster:

  12. I think I love you.

    Knowing a man out there understands this subject enough to extrapolate upon it so succinctly and with such humor makes me believe I might not be single forever. *flutters cyber eyelashes*

    Well done!

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