how to treat a man

Hello, lovely ladies of the internet.

Due to the overwhelming (relative) success (ish) of my famous “How to Treat a Woman” post, I have decided to bring you…

How to Treat a Man.

Basically I can sum it up in one word:

Fairly.

There you go. Thanks for reading. Until the next time…

Oh.

Wait.

You’re probably looking for specifics, eh? Fiiiiiiiine. I’ll go a little deeper into it.

Before we start, I should mention that most dudes suck. There are, like, fourteen good ones on the planet. So I think women should avoid men all together.

Sure my plan is not great for the continuation of the species. One bad head cold and we’d all be wiped out. But it could mean no more Rihanna albums, and then everyone wins.

However if you women insist on getting tangled up with men, this is a list for how you should treat one of the good ones.

1) Don’t set us up to fail. We’ll screw up enough on our own. You don’t need to entrap us into guaranteed-to-lose situations. We know you like having things to talk to the girls about at Happy Hour. That’s fine. But instead of piling on, why don’t you just listen? Listen and be thankful that your guy doesn’t do all the evil shit the other guys do. Being a joiner is rarely a good idea. After all, that is how the virus of tramp stamps spread. (As well as other related viruses, I’m sure.)

2) We’re not the guy that cheated on you your sophomore year of college. We’re not. (For one, we’re not wearing a Creed tour t-shirt.) We know that sucked. We wish you didn’t have to go through it. But that wasn’t us. And we don’t want to be blamed for what he did. It’s not fair to make us pay for someone else having sex. This isn’t a bachelor party.

3) We like our ratty old t-shirts. Accept them. We know they offend your delicate sensibilities, but they remind us of fun times in the past. Every stain is a story, yo. Plus do you really want to send the message that we should trade things in when they get a little older? Hmmmm? Mmmhmmm.

4) Gifts: Buy us something we’d like. Something that would make US happy. Isn’t that the point of gift-giving? Buy us what we would want and not what you think we should want, or what you think would help improve us.

If I’m not mistaken, it was 17th century French Mathematician Rene Descartes who first wrote:

video game > nose hair trimmers

5) Nagging. Just no. Sometimes it may eventually get you what you want, but there’s a cost for constantly harshing our mellow. I know that squeaky wheels get the grease and all. But you know what else squeaky wheels get? Replaced. Charm us into getting what you want! Or, you know, just ask with a smile.

6) We don’t expect a 1:1 ratio of your movies to ours. We’d be okay with 3:1 even. But you gotta give us something. We know what “imprinting” is for mercy’s sake!!! The least you can do is watch Smokey & The Bandit with us.

7) Please don’t try to make us guess when something is wrong. Just say it. It has always been odd to me that women expect the ability to read minds from a gender who can’t remember to put a toilet seat down? Gravity does all the work!

8) Resist the urge to try to change EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT US. Seriously. Clothing, grooming habits, favourite foods, finger prints, DNA… You liked us for a reason. Try to remember why.

Try harder.

9) Positive reinforcement is big. Men are like puppies. We need to hear “good boy”s, we’re excited to see you at the end of the day and, at any given time, it is possible that we might hump your leg.

10) Don’t worry. That bad thing you hope we’re not thinking… we’re probably not. Sometimes we’re quiet because we’re thinking about work or sports or, yes, occasionally your friend with all the cleavage. We’re sorry, but you can see those boobs from space! My word.

11) Be honest about who you are. We can take it. We like you for a reason too.

12) Be patient. We want to help more than you think. We’re judging you much less than you think. And remember that you may have started the argument in your head a half hour ago, but you just pulled us in. Let us catch up. We’re on your side.

13) NEVER talk about our private stuff with your friends. Most of them couldn’t organize a two car parade. Their relationship histories have seen more swings and misses than a pinata. And, frankly, we don’t give anything even close to a shit about their opinions. Sorry. It’s true.

14) Take an interest in our interests. At least try them out. Fantasy sports. Battlestar Galactica. The History Channel. Having a girlfriend who dresses like Wonder Woman for us.

What?

15) Hug us. When you’re happy. When you’re sad. When you’re angry at us. Hug us. It always helps.

I hope this gives you a good starting point for becoming one of the best girlfriends/fiances/wives in the history of the universe.

But if you’re ever in doubt as to what to do in a certain situation, ask yourself “What would those oddly boringly attractive women in romantic comedies do?”

Then do the exact opposite.

Listen, we know you’re beautifully complicated creatures. We expect it. We’re fine with it.

Just make sure to also be…

Nice.

And know that we like you. A lot.

Give us support. Give us trust.

Give us a chance.

We might surprise you.

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41 Responses

  1. Thanks. This was perfect.

  2. Ashalah says:

    Very nicely done Peter!

    I hope there are more than 14 good guys. Have you done your proper research?

    • Peter DeWolf says:

      Thanks!

      I’ll have to re-check my math, but I’m pretty sure.

      Though it doesn’t matter for some women, since they’d run from nice guys and end up with the emotionally unavailable ones. Ahem.

  3. Jamie Varon says:

    YESSSSSSS. Finally. A blog post by a man, about men, that isn’t just stereotype, stereotype, stereotype. People say there isn’t a manual for love. Now, they’re wrong. THIS IS IT.

  4. Nic Lake says:

    I can’t fully express how much I love this. Bookmarked for the future.

  5. It’s true. There aren’t many good guys.

    My husband went to a bachelor trip weekend for his friend last summer and lost all hope in men, too. ;) Ha. I’m lucky I got one of the last ones.

  6. Habbala says:

    Lovely list friend. The only part I don’t fully agree on is NEVER talk about private things with your friends. I think having friends, good friends, are key to a happy life and that includes full disclosure and openness. I know there’s a line, I would never tell my husbands deepest darkest secrets to a soul..and I would never bash my husband to my friends.. But what constitutes private? AND if you’re planning on having one of my lovely friends move to Canada with you I would hope she is able to talk about private things with me and her friends because I hear there may be a lack of super awesome twentysomething lady friends for her to have a margarita with and dish about life with. :)

    P.S. Ashley has friends who are capable, smart, and in great relationships. So there.

    • Peter DeWolf says:

      Ha. I think it all comes down to how you define “private.”

      Personally I think it includes just about EVERYTHING. But I am trying to learn to be more open-minded about it.

  7. Edwin says:

    Sometimes, It becomes quite clear that you’re a pro writer.

  8. Cat says:

    best ever. i loved this, and 14 sounds about right. ;)

  9. poodlegoose says:

    With all of the leaving going on in my friends’ marriages, if I wasn’t already married, I would totally re-think the whole idea. This makes me feel a bit better about males in general. Even if all of the ones around me are friggin’ assholes.

  10. Gina says:

    As always, this is awesome, Peter. :)

  11. K. Syrah says:

    Lovely! Though, as a woman, i have actually felt these frustrations. Hugging, especially.

  12. Lorraine says:

    You know what imprinting is. Ha. Ha.

    I’m sorry, what I meant to say was, “wonderful post, as always.”

    Lor

  13. Erika says:

    Absolutely true.
    I sent this to my only female coworker in a office full of men and we both had a good laugh.

    Great post!

    the snarky-ness is contagious.

  14. Is it weird that I feel like I can relate to this list as it applies to the last semi-relationship I had? Not sure how I feel about that. Am I too dominate or was I just dating a girly man? This is embarrassing.

    Either way… Love this.

  15. sheralda says:

    You know what I did all those things for my ex and guess what the new model came along and I was left in the cold, trying to figure out what happened. I swallowed my pride and did the puppy dog shyt and still… I really don’t get the puppy dog thing, your a big man, an adult… And yet they say women are confusing. Yeah I’m jaded and cynical now, such is life

  16. Colleen Phelan says:

    Awesome. Just awesome.

  17. RT @laurentheanimal: Revisiting this excellent post by @peterdewolf this afternoon: how to treat a man http://t.co/RDG0S4TY

  18. how to treat a man http://t.co/q56wocxE via @peterdewolf // Reading this never gets old. :D

  19. JJ says:

    my extra bitchyyyyy nagging ass needed this!!! #rightontime

  1. January 20, 2012

    […] How to Treat a Man | Peter DeWolf | “We like our ratty old t-shirts. Accept them.” […]

  2. August 10, 2012

    […] [Check out "How to treat a man."] […]

  3. October 11, 2012

    […] Once you get them interested, refer to How to Treat a Woman and How to Treat a Man for […]

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