How to meet women

I was on Facebook the other day — something that is becoming less and less frequent now that Facebook Scrabble REFUSES TO BELIEVE I AM IN CANADA AND WON’T LET ME PLAY.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

So I was accepting a friend request or some shit and I noticed an ad telling me that I can “Attract woman.”

Now, you know me, I’m not violently opposed to attracting women. My interest was piqued. And by “piqued” I mean that I thought I might be able to use the idea as a fun blog post.

But I forgot to click on, and bookmark, the link.

Clearly I’ll never attract women with such a porous memory.

The other day, a friend of a friend of the family told my niece’s dog, “I know you love me, but stop licking me” as I was walking by.  So I said, “If I had a nickle for every time I’ve been told that…”

So maybe I shouldn’t scoff at any type of advice on how to communicate with people.

This morning I decided to do a little Google search to find something similar to the Facebook thing.  Based on the number of results spit out, I am guessing that maybe there are a few dudes out there looking for such advice.

Of all the many, many links I checked out (like 4) this one seemed like it could lead to the funniest post.  I guess we’re all going to find out together whether or not that’s true…

How to Meet Women

For the guys who have been asking the question, “How to meet women?”

[Yes, that is actually the sub-title dealie. It’s like “Buy a raincoat, for days you want to wear a coat in the rain.” Well played, wikiHow.]

It was divided into 3 parts.  This is…

STEPS:

Get a sense of style but don’t go to the extreme with it. Always look your best and always have your teeth brushed, etc. You never know when the opportunity will take place so be ready and dressed nice. Wearing your old worn out grungy work clothes out could be enough to ruin your confidence and your chances. Wear a nice pair of pants, nice shoes, and nice shirt.

Firstly, if someone needs to be telling you to brush your teeth, finding love might not be your biggest problem. Gingivitis, bitches. It’s for real.

Never go to extremes with your sense of style.  That’s just good advice.  Bedazzle “Sassy” on the front of your shirt, but never, ever surround it with unicorns.

You don’t make that mistake twice.

Don’t be afraid to set your sights high; if you think you’re good enough for a girl, she will think you are, too. If you don’t think you’re good enough for a girl, then she probably won’t think so, either. Hence, be confident. This shows other girls that you have good taste and that you’re giving them a complement just by talking to them.

I love how they drop “hence” into a paragraph that could have been written by a monkey. And, frankly, not a super smart monkey. Even a monkey that pays extra for undercoating on his new car could have penned that one.

Relax, you must not overdo a play. Stop presenting yourself, and make her feel like she is presenting herself to you.

So, like, just sit back and say, “Dance for me.”

I can do that.

Again.

Learn to accept rejection. Rejection is part of the game and being rejected doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with you. Repeated rejection, however, does mean there probably is something wrong with you that you need to change.

Hahaha. I fucking love that. “If every chick turns you down, you are fundamentally flawed and should, you know, just change that shit up. And good luck!”

Smile. Show those pearly whites all day, every day. Smiles are infectious.

And not at all a sign that you may be a tad psychotic.

Do not focus on the target first if she is with friends. Make friends with her friends, so they do not think you are just some creep trying to get laid (especially if you are). Then, after you have sufficiently impressed the group, you can start to talk to the target girl.

Wait until you get her alone. Then pick her ass off like a wounded gazelle.  *wink and gun*

But how did you know that I’m a creep trying to get lai —  Nevermind.

Make a connection. Try and find out what this person really loves in the world, and let her tell you all of the things she loves about it. Then, tell her you feel just the same way about some things, but disagree with her opinions on other things. For instance, “Yeah, I really like Van Gogh too, but Monet is much too simplistic.” Make her get involved in a conversation.

Ohhhhh. I get it. So something like this:

Her: I like blue berries.
Me: Tell me more.
Her: They taste good.
Me: Fascinating. I like strawberries. Especially in jam.
Her: I like peach jelly.
Me: WHORE!!!!

TIPS:

If your lifestyle allows, get a dog or preferably a puppy. Be aware that a dog may live for 10-15 years, and being a highly social animal, will need company and mental stimulation on a daily basis. Also be aware that puppies will become dogs. If you can’t keep a dog, you’re probably best off borrowing one to take to the park for a walk.

Puppies… become dogs?  Tell me more!

This how-to works mainly for men and women who are looking for a ‘fling’. Long-term relationships that evolve into a marriage/union don’t depend as much on material quantities as much as they do on your ability to compromise, communicate, and sacrifice.

Compromise, communicate, AND sacrifice? Fuck that noise.

Work on your career. As your success grows, so will your dating pool. Alternately, if you can look like a big shot, then make up a career (steer away from ‘accountant’ and more towards ‘unsigned guitar player’)

Just enjoy that one…

If yourself is too boring, put on something flamboyant that will make you stand out from the other guys.

A boa?

Stay focused, remember what you’re there to do.

Oh, I know this one…

Secretly pay attention to her breathing, If you breathe at the same rate as her she’ll feel much closer to you.

The fuck?  Yeeeah, I’m pretty confident that I can stick my ear in a girl’s face and not make it at all creepy.

If you have an iPhone, BlackBerry, or other smart phone, consider downloading an ice breaker application.

Tetris = panty remover.  Got it!

WARNINGS:

Don’t come on too strong. Have a keen sense of if she’s interested or not. Look for signs. If she ever touches your arm, holds your hand, flits her eyes, or laughs at your jokes, you are in.

Or grabs your junk…

Be wary of “you’re cute.” This is not an indication of interest. Also, if a girl asks you to dance, she is probably just looking for someone to dance with, and this is a negative. If she pulls you off the dance floor to talk, you are in. If she ever tells you “I’ll be right back,” give up on this one because she’s never coming back.

So telling you that you are cute and asking you to dance = bad.  I really feel like I’m getting some solid advice here.   “If she tries to kiss you, it is likely because her lips are cold.  This is a negative.”

Be smart. Don’t let the little head do all the thinking.

I don’t know… dude has some strong opinions.

Do not use cheesy pickup techniques like having the bartender or waitress bring a drink over to her. You’ve got to play it cool and that does not work.

And never, ever plan your moves based on some half-assed internet article.

Unsigned guitar players can do so much better.

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15 Responses

  1. sid says:

    Bwahaha. Oh Peter this is all too brilliant.
    “Always get your teeth brushed.” WTF??? Dude if you’re not brushing your teeth then you really shouldn’t be thinking of propogating your genes.

    Alternately, if you can look like a big shot, then make up a career (steer away from ‘accountant’ and more towards ‘unsigned guitar player’) – so basically what this article is telling you to do is LIE?

    “If yourself is too boring, put on something flamboyant that will make you stand out from the other guys.” Yeah clothes will distract a girl from the fact that you don’t have a personality.

    They did get one thing right … I do use that “I’ll be back” line a LOT!

    • Peter DeWolf says:

      I love how he wants to steer guys away from pretending to be an accountant. As if accountants don’t get mad honeys!!

      (I’m relatively sure that is the first time I have ever typed “mad honeys.”)

  2. brandy says:

    And now you have an idea of what girls who read Cosmo magazine go through every. single. month.

  3. Ben says:

    Two comments:

    1) Sooo…you married yet?

    2) The gay version of this would be MUCH shorter.

    (pick your favourite)

  4. Shelley says:

    An unsigned guitar player, smiling like a loon at my friends while ignoring me but surreptitiously timing my breathing while he’s out walking a borrowed dog?

    I just can’t imagine why you aren’t getting laid more. You had me at “unsigned guitar player.” I just love unemployed manipulating players. Doesn’t every girl?

  5. shine says:

    I would trade boa for tiara. But that’s just me.

    This is really great advice. I think you should take it to the streets. In the name of science. And YouTube it for my viewing pleasure.

  6. tia says:

    who. the eff. wrote that?

    i want to see that dude’s picture.

  7. Matt says:

    “Gingivitis, bitches. It’s for real.”

    Best advice ever.

    Also? Id advise against the boa.

  8. BS says:

    Hey Peter,

    You’re cute.

    Wanna dance?

    I’ll be right back.

  9. Amanda says:

    Go out with some poor-ass unsigned guitar player who’s just going to make me pay for all our drinks?!

    I think not.

  10. Wanderusting says:

    Dating sounds complicated.

  11. JenBun says:

    I like your blatant use of “Fuck that noise.”

    And I don’t know whether you meant you would wear a feather boa or a boa constrictor, but I’m having a good time imagining you in both… ;)

  12. Des says:

    This is hilarious dude.

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