Fellas, this is not one of those posts that guarantees that if you follow the steps, you’ll immediately find the girl of your dreams. If it was, I’d be charging you money. That being said, if it works, feel free to Paypal me $49.95.
Now I’ve written some posts with advice for you guys before. I’ve even told you how to treat a woman. But this time we’re going into more detail. This is going to be a completely sporadic, multi-chapter guide for “How To Get (And Keep) A Girlfriend.”
CHAPTER 1 – HOW TO MEET GIRLS
I used to think that if you just listen to/read girls, you’ll find out exactly what they want (or at least DON’T want), you’ll use that information to quickly and easily find yourself an awesome lass, and then watch American Pickers and be snoozing by midnight.
As it turns out, it’s not quite that easy.
I read a quote once about how a big part of success is putting yourself in the right position… to be successful? Or putting yourself in the way of success. I can’t remember the exact wording, or who said it, and it may have been about being a rodeo clown, but I think it is somewhat true.
You gotta be where the girls are!
And thankfully girls are almost everywhere.
(Now if there are some ladies reading who are offended by the use of “girls,” I would like to apologize… for you being uptight and a general pain in the ass. Reeeeelax. There is no disrespect meant. Except for maybe when I called you a pain in the ass.)
Well girls are everywhere except for in your house/apartment. Unless you count the internet, and we’ll discuss that later. You gotta at least get out there a little.
I know that some of you dudes aren’t the most comfy in social situations. I get that. But I think you can find locations that are less uncomfifying, AND can get a little more used to socializing.
I think the biggest part of all of this is…
PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS
There are some obvious examples.
If you’re good at sports, join a co-ed league and impress some ladies with your mad kickball skillz. And never, ever spell it with a “z.”
If you can play an instrument, and/or sing, participate in open mic nights. Unless you play the oboe. Which begs the question, “Why in the fuck did you learn to play the oboe?”
But what if your particular strengths aren’t the type that historically have brought in the chicas? Well then you have to be a little more creative.
Read a lot and know a crapload of useless facts? Join a trivia night team!
Write apps? Write a female-centric app, and find a group of women to test it for you.
At work? I am a huge proponent of dipping your pen in company ink. You have a pen. That’s what ink is for. I mean, come on.
Friends! Man, friends are an awesome source for getting introduced to women. It has been my experience that platonic female friends want to help you find someone nice. So don’t be afraid to ask. “If you don’t help me find a girl, I am going to third-wheel cock block you for the next five years, and when you DO get married, I am going to get drunk and pee on the ice sculpture.”
So now you are around girls.
Don’t say “Huzzah!”
What do you do next?
Again we’re going to focus on PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS.
(You can tell it is important because I capitalize it.)
Listen, I’m all about being who you are. If you’re smart, be fucking smart. If you’re a nice guy, embrace being a nice guy. A wise man once wrote “nice guys finish last… after she’s finished five or six times.” Fine. It was me. I wrote it. But it is a kickass line, right?
There is something awesome about you, dude. There is. And maybe it is not obvious as to how it can be used to attract women, but it is there.
(As a fun exercise, ask a female friend you trust to tell you her favourite thing about you. Right now!)
I think in these guides you’re supposed to give personal examples.
So while I have an awesome girlfriend, my go-to move with women has historically been humour.
I like using humour because:
1) women, it seems, like funny guys
2) if you totally screw up in the conversation, you can try to play it off as a joke
Her: “I love Shakespeare.”
Me: “Oh me too! It was my favourite part of highschool… Other than the eighteen year old boobs.
Her: “Ew. Really?”
Me: “Well, yeah, mine were REALLY nice.”
In and out of hot water that quickly!
It reminds me of something that happened recently. I was at a local take out restaurant, picking up food for my girlfriend, when the (pretty and age inappropriate) girl in front of me dropped her money. My first instinct was to be a gentleman and pick it up for her, but she had quickly put her foot on it and pulled it back towards herself. And she was wearing a dress, so reaching down there would have been more than weird. She did an awkward bend down/curtsy-looking thing and picked up the money. When she stood up, looking a little embarrassed, I said, “That’s why I almost never wear a dress here.” She and her (pretty and slightly less age-inappropriate) friend laughed.
The point of this story?
None really. I just wanted to tell you about making two cute blondes laugh. What? You’d brag too!
Okay. How do you actually talk to girls?
1) Initiate the chat
3) Find things in common
4) Talk about those things
5) Make as much eye contact as you’re comfortable with
6) Smile as much as feels natural
That’s really it.
Women are not all the same. Some will be turned off by shyness. Some will find it cute as hell. Smarter men than you or I have unsuccessfully tried to figure it out.
If it is the right girl, at the right time, you’re golden.
Now back to the internet.
I think that socializing skills are transferable. The better you get at talking to girls online, the better you’ll be in person. But I think the opposite is true too. If you can talk to a girl when she’s standing in front of you, all pretty and in a sun dress, then you can definitely be an iMac daddy online. Since online dating is huge, and likely to get huger, I want you to get good at both.
I’ve never done online dating, even though I met my girlfriend online, but I know that those sites aren’t for everyone. It’s high volume. A lot of people are jaded. It’s dudes who have more than one photo of themselves shirtless. If you want to try it, I have some advice for you. If it’s not your scene…
Why not try a blog instead?
Some women LOVE writers. They love guys who can, and will, express themselves.
And read blogs by women. It is an amazing way to get to know them. And leaving a comment is a pretty low-stress way to dip your toe into a conversation.
Ready to meet some girls?
Okay. Here are a couple more bits of advice.
Don’t buy into generalizations. There are brilliant, gorgeous, sexy, wonderful women gamers. There are brilliant, gorgeous, sexy, wonderful women everythingers.
And don’t buy into “out of your league.”
Fuck that noise.
Women are intuitive and wonderfully brilliant creatures, they’ll see your awesomeness before you see it yourself.
Now go read this again.
And talk to a girl this week.
Next up will be CHAPTER TWO – YOU HAVE A DATE! DON’T FUCK IT UP.