Have you ever wondered what cats are saying?
I know that I have.
So, over the holidays, in between watching a buttload of episodes of “The Wire” on DVD, I learned to speak Cat.
It was either that or Italian, and since I’m off Italian women…
I can see that you are skeptical. (About the Cat thing, not the Italian chick embargo.) Permit me to demonstrate.
Scamp: You don’t HAVE to fuck off, but it would be really super if you did.
Whiskers: That’s not you talking, man. It’s the ‘nip.
Scamp: Please… I’m barely using any of the stuff. It’s purely recreational.
Whiskers: And I suppose that you can quit at any time?
Whiskers: You are lying to yourself. Tell him, Sir William James Purrington III.
Sir William James Purrington III: Well… see… the thing with catnip is… and studies have shown…
Whiskers: Yeah, thanks. You’ve been helpful.
Scamp: I appreciate the concern, but–
Whiskers: It’s that Princess next door, isn’t it?
Scamp: Princess has nothing to do with anything. I’m just bummed that they cancelled “The O.C.”
Whiskers: We all are, but it’s more than that. You fell for her, didn’t you?
Scamp: No. Not at all.
Whiskers: Come on. She did that neck nuzzle, deep purring thing. It got to you.
Scamp: So what if it did?
Whiskers: But, you let her know that she was getting to you. You gave her the upper paw!
Scamp: That’s crazy.
Whiskers: Is it? What do you think, Sir William James Purrington III?
Sir William James Purrington III: Well, relationships… They are a tricky thing… When emotions… Feelings are–
Scamp: Listen, I’m fine. I just want to read today’s Garfield strip and be left alone.
Whiskers: Can’t do it, homey. We are going to get you off the ‘nip. And there is a cat show tonight down at the civic center. We’ll go chase some tail. You’ll see.
(They are interrupted by some humans speaking nearby.)
Scamp: I wonder what that is about.
Whiskers: Sir William James Purrington III, you can speak human. What are they saying?
Sir William James Purrington III: Well… Okay… I’m a bit rusty, you know… Someone named Britney is in rehab… Uh oh…
Whiskers: What is it?
Sir William James Purrington III: It’s just that… Not sure how to… Princess has fleas.
Scamp: I can’t believe this.
Whiskers: (scratching himself) Me neither.
Scamp: Don’t tell me…
Whiskers: You know that I have a weakness for calicos.
Whiskers: Sorry, dude.
Scamp: Forget it. I need a flea bath.
Whiskers: Me too.
Sir William James Purrington III: Me too.
Scamp and Whiskers stop in their tracks.
Sir William James Purrington III: Well, she was… playing with a roll of toilet paper… It was double-quilted… Double-quilted, motherfuckers!!!
The three kittens walk quietly down the hall together.
Whiskers: So, that Pat Robertson is a huge sack of crap, eh?