Happy Birthday, Jon Favreau!

Thank you for SWINGERS.

ELF sucked.

Did you folks know that Warner Chappell – a militant off-shoot of the Warner Music Group – owns the rights to the “Happy Birthday” song?

They paid $15 million for those rights.

I also may have made up the part about them being militants.

They’ve owned the rights for 16 years, and I’d love to know how much of that 15 mill they’ve recouped.

They claim that “unauthorized public performances are illegal” unless they are paid royalties.

What constitutes “public?”

Is it the same definition as the one for “public nudity?” You know, just askin’…

Other than it being unenforceable, it is just plain silly.

Hmmm… I think I’m going to copyright orgasms. Anytime anyone has one, I’ll —

Hey! I heard that! Send me $10. And your phone number. Mrrrrooooowwwrrrrrr.

On the plus side, the copyright expires in 2030.

But, what are we to sing in the meantime?

“For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow?”

Don’t make me puke.

I guess once again it falls on my shoulders to do something about it.

Le sigh.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

As you all well know, I’m only an award-winning lyricist. Someone else will have to handle the music.

Here goes…

So, it’s another birthday.

You made it through the year.

Let’s all get together,

And raise a little cheer.

Unless the cake is stale.

That’ll ruin the day.

Don’t cheap on the hotdogs.

Ballpark franks all the way.

Who invited these wingnuts?

People I’d never choose.

Enough with all the potato chips,

Break out the friggin’ booze.

Still, I hope you enjoy your birthday,

Sorry the present is so small.

But, I don’t feel too guilty,

‘Cause you didn’t buy me fuuuuuck allllllllllllllllllllllll.

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  1. James Cooper says:

    Can I use the variation:

    Happy birthday to you,
    You belong in a zoo,
    You look like a monkey,
    And you smell like one too.

    Or would I still have to fear repercussions or a law-suity nature?

  2. Kevin says:

    Genius! But I don’t think I can memorize it.

  3. Peter says:

    James: I think Rupert Murdoch owns that one. We may both get sued for you typing it in here.

    Kevin: No worries on that. You’ve heard me sing, man. You can join me in lipsynching.

  4. Erika says:

    Do you know what tune was playing in my head when I read your lyrics? “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon. I think it could work…

  5. Mrs. CPA says:

    That’s why all the restaurants waitstaff have to sing the those annoying, shitty variations of birthday songs. I wonder if when the executives go out for the birthday lunch if they tell the waiters to sing Happy Birthday, since they own it.

  6. Sara says:

    Hey, I liked Elf…

  7. Steph says:

    That was beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye. Bless you.

  8. Peter says:

    Erika: Funny! I was TOTALLY thinking about the opening of that song when I started.

    Mrs. CPA: That is a VERY good question. I sometimes wonder if execs at McDonalds sneakily get some Whoppers to snack on during meetings.

    Sara: It’s okay, I have sketchy taste sometimes. But, make no mistake, ELF blows in 96 different ways.

    Steph: I like to touch people. That’s right, I said it.

  9. Janet says:

    Happy Birthday Jon Favreau?! Interesting. I did love Swingers so. Where oh where, did the great Jon Favreau go?

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