Give me a kiss / I want to find out what I missed

Maybe it was my rap song yesterday, but I am feeling all music-y today. And it seems as if Ryan Adams is dabbling in the rap game as well. He and I should do a demo together.

I think that PeterDeWolf.com needs a theme song. (And a spokesmodel.)

Story time…

Once again, this is a tale from the past. When I was but a young Pete. Full of hope, arrogance, excitement and Aussie styling gel.

My friends and I were matriculating at Dalhousie University when we found out that The Northern Pikes were playing at our cross town rival school, St. Mary’s University. This was years after the band was biggish. (They are still vastly underrated.) So, we decided to go.

We had a close friend attending SMU, so we went to his room for the pre-concert festivities. He was living on one of the upper floors of an apartment building-style residence. I can’t remember the name. I probably didn’t even know it at the time. (I felt like I was entirely too cool for SMU.)

11 dudes in a small room. A decent amount of beer. A silly squabble between two dudes that were never actually going to fight. (With some of the lamest banter in the history of almost-fights.) And then it was time to go to the concert.

In this posse, we had 7 guys from Dalhousie, 2 of our friends from SMU, and each of the SMU guys brought a friend. And we piled into an elevator.

At this point, one of our SMU buddies thought it would be fun to jump up and down as we all walked onto the elevator. For some reason we all decided to join in. (And I was sober!) So, 11 guys start jumping up and down at the same time. The door shuts and we actually feel the elevator going down as we land and snapping back up as we jump.

Now, I wisely got out of the engineering program soon after I got to Dal, but I could still tell what we were doing wasn’t wise. The elevator went down a few floors before…

*KLUNK*

It may have been a *CACHUNK*.

Either way, the elevator came to a sudden, and unplanned, stop.

Silence.

A little giggling.

A few “Oh shit”s.

My eyes immediately went to the “Maximum Occupancy” sign. And this was one of those times when being able to do math in your head quickly is not a benefit. We were over the weight by quite a bit.

(Another bad time to be able to do math quickly in your head is when you are chatting with a younger woman. “You are how old? Hmmm. I was in the 8th grade when you were born. I… gotta go.”)

After the weight thing, my mind went right to “Dude, are we going to have enough air?” It took a few minutes for me to realize that I was actually getting hit in the face with a breeze from the vent.

Some of you may have noticed the effect beer has on the bladder. No, it’s true. Within ten minutes of being trapped – and we were shoulder to shoulder – someone says, “I have to pee.”

10 “Hold it!”s rang out.

A few minutes later, “I have to pee too.”

Then another.

This wasn’t good.

We decided to pry the doors open. It worked. We were staring at a grey brick wall. Someone did notice that there was a little space between the outside of the elevator and the brick wall. Everyone seemed to have the same thought at the same time. And then we all had the same “fuck it” expression on our faces.

The neediest pee-ers shuffled their way to the door and proceeded to pee down the crack between the elevator and the wall. Pretty much everyone had their turn doing the “shuffle then pee.” Don’t judge us.

At some point our buddy thought it would be funny to jump up and down again. Yeah, people didn’t join in this time.

At about the half hour mark, I notice that one of the friends of a friend dude had an abnormally long finger nail on his pinky. Seriously long. I had recently seen a coke lord use one for scooping Columbian marching powder on an episode of “Miami Vice.” He saw me staring at it. I gave him a WTF? look. He just smiled at me. A little unsettling, it was. (Someone later said it could be for playing guitar.)

Finally, 45 minutes after our adventure began, the elevator moved. Not a lot. But enough so that when the doors were pried open we could see a floor, rather than the wall. Some security dudes were there and began to help us crawl up and out of the elevator.

When it was my turn, I was so thankful to finally be free. Then I noticed some girls in sleeping attire lining the hallway. A lot of girls. Apparently this was a female floor. I must have had a girlfriend at the time, because I didn’t linger very long. (Even though this looked like the beginning of some super movie.) It might have also been because of the security guys moving us along briskly.

Finally we made it to the concert!

We made our way to a table over to the side. Some of us sat, some hit the bar. All were relieved to finally be there.

Now, one of my closest friends was being hit by that evil confluence of beer, heat and the late hour. He was getting tired. So, he put his head down on the table. Just for a few seconds. (I won’t mention his name, but he may be reading this.) I was watching the band and didn’t notice it.

Security, however, did notice.

They came over and told him that he had to leave. I replied with, “But… but… they haven’t played ‘Teenland’ yet!”

Security was unmoved.

So, we woke him up and gathered the rest of the Dalhousie boys to leave.

We got as far as the hallway outside the main entrance to the room the concert was being held in. Not sure what stopped our leaving, but at some point I snapped and decided I wasn’t leaving until I heard “Teenland.”

The security guy looked at me strangely, but didn’t force it.

The rest of the guys were standing there too, but some decided that they didn’t like being asked to leave and began mouthing off to the security guys/bouncers. I am relatively sure these dudes were all from the football team. Our guys were getting VERY loud and obnoxious. This wasn’t going to end well.

I was pretty much convinced we were going to get pummeled. Still, I stood by the door, waiting for my song.

Three tunes later…

“Teenland.”

I smiled like an idiot for the 3+ minutes.

When it was done, I said, “Okay, I can leave now.”

The closest security guy just laughed and shook his head.

I gathered the hooligans and we left.

“Teenland” played in my head for half of the walk home.

Suddenly it dawned on me how close we were to getting the snot kicked out of us.

Then the song started playing in my head again.

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  1. Kukka-Maria says:

    Great story. I laughed. I cried. I laughed until I cried.

    Let me get directly to the point:
    I want to be the spokesmodel!

    I’d even be willing to wax all of my fur off, because I’ve heard guys like a bald…wait for it.

    There you go!

  2. Peter says:

    k-m: hahaha! That was delightfully Barney of you.

  3. Steph says:

    I really enjoyed reading that.
    You’s a bit nutty, and i likey much.

    I so envy guys being able to pee anywhere. It’s so unfair.
    That rhymes. Feel free to use it for your next rap. ;)

  4. Peter says:

    steph: Very kind of you to say that I’m only a BIT nutty.

    And consider your rhyme included in my next track. I may call it “Urine Trouble Now, Suckas.” (Wow… that was weak.)

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