F*ck Dr. Phil!

Women may be from Venus, but they can certainly obtain a Martian working visa.

The animal known as “man” really isn’t all that hard to understand. And control. Because we here at PeterDeWolf.com love and appreciate our female visitors, we are going to offer you ladies some easy to follow steps for getting your man to do what you want him to do. I know that in the past I’ve preached complete honesty in dating, but sometimes you have to go another way.

1) The “Spoonful of sugar” method.

Let’s say that your heart is set on renting BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN this weekend. However, your man is completely against it. He doesn’t want to see two cowboys kissing and that’s that. It gives him the heebiest of jeebies.

All seems lost, right?


By simply mentioning, “Doesn’t Anne Hathaway take her top off in that movie?” not only will he now be willing to rent the movie, but he’ll likely also run over old ladies and set seven land speed records on his way to Blockbuster.

Just FYI, the “topless Anne Hathaway” gambit can also get a man to:
– meet your parents for the first time
– get a proctological exam
– lop off his pinky toe with pruning sheers

Maybe this should have been called the “two cups of sugar” method.

2) The “It could be worse” method.

This one is genius in it’s simplicity.

Let’s say that you want to have a dinner party this Saturday night. He is completely opposed because it means that he may actually have to put on pants.

All you have to say is the following:

“Sweetie, this Saturday you have to drive me and six of my girlfriends around antiquing all day as we discuss our diets and menstruation. Finally, when we get home, we’ll be hosting a dinner party. Or, I suppose, we could JUST have a dinner party.”

That flash you just saw was your man starting to fold napkins into swans.

Of course you could replace “have a dinner party” with “kick you repeatedly in the nuts” and it would still work.

3) The “Positive reinforcement” method.

I’m not going to lie, this one is going to take a little extra commitment from you.

Let’s say that no matter what you do, it is like pulling teeth to get your dude to take out the garbage. You beg… you plead… you put up signs… Nothing works.

If you wait long enough, eventually he’ll take out the garbage at least once. And that is all you need.

Right after he completes the task, you are going to have to reward him in that special way that only you can. (You see, when big boys and big girls really love each other, they express this love in a physical manner.)

Suddenly taking out the garbage is forever linked with ill freaky na-na in his head. He won’t even know why, but the mere thought of taking out the garabge will put him in a good mood. It’ll be like you shacked up with the Man from Glad.

This will also work with; cooking dinner, walking the dog, washing his own clothes, shaving, giving you a kidney, dusting, and wearing butless chaps and a feather boa while dancing on your kitchen table and singing every song off Bon Jovi’s “New Jersey” album. You know, if you are into that sort of thing.

Of course, you do have to ask yourself if it is really worth the ultimate sacrifice just to get your trash taken out.

Hey, don’t look at me. You picked the hairy bastard.

4) The “Dress up like Wonder Woman” method.

Uhm… Okay. Maybe this one would only work on me.

Regardless, I think that I’ve given you some really good ideas to work with. What you choose to do with them is your own business.

(Don’t read too much into the fact that my plans will lead to a dude getting more sex, getting to see Anne Hathaway topless, and never having to hear about a diet again. That’s all purely coincidental. Cool? Cool. )

Just so you know, not even these methods would be able to convince me to watch DIRTY DANCING.

Well, maybe the Wonder Woman one…

0 thoughts on “F*ck Dr. Phil!

  1. Nooo, you’ve given them power over us. Oh, then again they’ve always had power over us. At least this way it does all seem to be a win-win situation doesn’t it. I suppose I can forgive you this one then.

    New layout for this one, eh?

  2. James – I am all about the win-win.

    As for the layout, I am in the midst of a revamp. I wanted something more… well, less crappy. I am still working on getting a sexy new header for the site.

  3. Don’t you mean win-win-win?

    (Hope you’ve seen the American “The Office” or you’ll not get that)

    On topic: Jennie helped you write this. I can tell. She’s used three of four, I’m almost positive.

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