When you tune in expecting to see a new episode of your favourite show and they show a rerun? Like you are expecting a “very special ‘Blossom'” – maybe the one where Six gets the clap – and instead it is one you’ve already seen twice.
Well, I hate to do it to you, but… Since I am busy being the world’s greatest uncle/”new mommy” to the ACN until next week, I am going to run a “Best of Peter” now.
For your surfing pleasure, I bring to you a piece I wrote for MoviePoopShoot.com four years ago. The site is now QuickstopEntertainment.com and I don’t visit it. But, back in the day it was something, I tells ya.
I hope you enjoy.
And there probably wasn’t an episode of ‘Blossom’ where Six got the clap. but there should have been.
WHY I DIDN’T GET ANY SCREENWRITING DONE TODAY
By Peter DeWolf
As I drifted off to sleep last night, I had the best of intentions. Today I had no work, the place to myself, and that writing urge. Sounded like a perfect day for churning out lots of Grade-A script pages, didn’t it?
6:57 a.m. – My eyes open.
8:38 a.m. – My eyes open again. I manage to crawl out of bed.
8:45 a.m. – I am pouring myself a bowl of health food store cereal. I sit in my boxer shorts wondering why they don’t put treats or prizes in the stuff. Hell, even tofu marshmallows. Something. Pricks.
9:50 a.m. – I hit the treadmill. Stimulate the body to stimulate the mind. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
10:01 a.m. – I find a channel playing hits from the 80s. This is good. I love the 80s. I find myself thinking, “Hey, if Eddie Grant “Don’t Wanna Dance,” then leave him the fuck alone.
10:31 a.m. – The 80s are apparently making my mind wander, and not to anything constructive. I sing every word to “Don’t you Want Me, Baby.”
“You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar”
11:05 a.m. – Finally reading the mail that has been gathering on my desk for days. Since I’m an hombre with my priorities straight, I immediately grab the Radio Shack flyer. Wow, those portable DVD players look pretty sweet. I begin thinking that writers/screenwriters/half-assed column writers should get free swag. Why should only celebs get swag? They can afford to buy their own shit. I mean, slapping a Nike hooded sweatshirt on Kevin James isn’t sending me down to Foot Locker in a hurry. Funny guy, but I’m not buying that he is into any serious cross training.
Besides, actors are playing a character and reciting lines written by… that’s right, a writer! We can sneak in mentions of stuff. Plus, we could rant away in columns — as you are already painfully aware of right now. And most of us are starving and more than willing to sell-out. What’s so bad about selling out anyway? It’s got “selling” in it, and isn’t that a good thing in this wacky commercialized world we live in?
So, if you work for Panasonic or Samsung or any other company that makes these sweet little jobbies, drop me a line. Hell, drop me a line if you gots any swag to share!
11:07 a.m. – I realize I am alone and ranting. Not good.
11:57 a.m. – Since these crazy “blog” things are all the rage with the kids, I come up with an idea for a fake one. I am going to write it as if I am Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien — but in the tone of a 14-year-old girl. I can probably get the boys at Gordie.ca to post it. This could be my greatest idea since the time I wrote the fake complaint letter to Kool Aid and they answered!
Or it could be a colossal piece of crap. You never know with me.
12:00 p.m. – I grab some lunch and watch REAL WORLD: CHICAGO on MTV Canada. Why did Tonya even sign up for this show?!? She just makes me SO mad.
12:30 p.m. – Crud. REAL WORLD is on again. Keri and Kyle are having some kind of dispute. Too much drama. The chick can do better. He’s a little [writer makes “cuckoo motions” here], ya know? I can’t wait until they start running REAL WORLD: VEGAS up here. Apparently they all shtoop like monkeys. Good for them.
1:00 p.m. – DINNER FOR FIVE is starting on IFC Canada. It is only a half hour. Might as well watch it. Seeing fellow artists discuss their craft can only inspire me, right? Right�? It features the genius Ron Livingston, Kevin Pollack, Sarah Silverman, and the late, great Rod Steiger. It was a very cool episode. Everyone was being funny and/or interesting. The highlight was clearly when Sarah Silverman asked what everyone’s first homosexual experience was. Mr. Steiger (an American icon) proceeded to tell a long story about how his friend “Harry” had suddenly kissed him one night in a theater. He went on to say how he told Harry that he wasn’t mad, just disappointed, etc. And how their friendship would be forever changed. Mr. Steiger was clearly very emotional when he finished speaking and a hush fell over the room. Then Sarah Silverman asked, “Was it Harry Hamlin?” I cracked up. It was quite possibly the funniest thing ever on television.
1:31 p.m. – Harry Hamlin! Gold. I wonder if he and Mr. Steiger have ever appeared in anything together. I look it up on imdb.com. Lo and behold — Tom Clancy’s OP CENTER (1995). Now I am laughing even harder.
1:35 p.m. – I wonder how many degrees of separation Mr. Steiger & Mr. Hamlin are each from Kevin Bacon. (That VISA ad is on.) But, I talk myself out of looking it up. Only because it would take some work — and not because it is a stupid idea.
1:42 p.m. – I stub my toe and yell “Sweet banana fuck!”
1:51 p.m. – I flop down on my bed, with my pen and paper in hand. I figure if I stay away from the Internet and the T.V., I’ll get something done. The sun is shining in the window. It is warm and my bed is all cushy-like. Surely, the words will begin coming now�
1:56 p.m. – I am sitting in the “O” of the Hollywood sign with Harvey Weinstein. No, not that “O.” Not that one either. The other one! There ya go. We are discussing why the Knicks suck. Even in my dream it is disturbing to me that I am sitting in a “big O” with Mr. Weinstein. As I worry about what that says about my willingness to do anything to sell a screenplay, Big Harv morphs into Elisha Cuthbert.
I am less disturbed.
2:12 p.m. – As I try to understand the strange language Elisha is speaking to me, a ringing phone wakes me up. A woman asks me if I have ever considered switching long distance carriers. I tell her, “I’m sorry, I don’t have a phone.” Silence on the other end of the line. I hang up giggling. That is really funny when you just wake up. Honestly. I really punched the “have” — just like Chandler on FRIENDS. It was good. Seriously. Shut up.
2:24 p.m. – I learn from T.V. that there is a “National Masturbation Week” in early May. Sooo many jokes go through my mind. Pee Wee Herman and scotch-guarded theater seats… Buying stocks in the company that makes Skin So Soft… The list goes on and on.
It also reminds me of something my friend Rotten Ron once said, I was actually going to save it for a funny short documentary I was going to make on masturbation — sort of a wackumentary, if you will. (Strokeography?) Ah screw it, I’ll share… Rotten told us that when he was in high school, he used to masturbate in the shower so much that the smell of certain soaps still to this day give him a chub. In the wackumentary another character was going to reply “So, you are sort of like a Pavlovian Horn Dog?” It would have killed. The character woulda Chandlered the “Horn” part. Trust me on this.
2:43 p.m. – Unrelated to the above, I decide to grab a shower. Get your minds out of the gutter. The shower is always one of my favourite places to do some thinking. As I am shampooing up, the random thoughts begin to come.
Is Ben Affleck’s chin real?
Where is Ethan Suplee lately
I’ve seen a million cob webs, but never a cob.
Where do butterflies go in the rain?
There only two things in life that make it worth livin’,
It’s guitar tuned good and firm feelin’ women�
I’m not sure where this came from, or why I know all the words to Waylon Jennings “Luckenbach Texas,” but I keep singing away.
2:56 p.m. – Maybe watching my OFFICE SPACE DVD will put me in a better mood for writing.
4:15 p.m. – I realize that I just “get” this movie. It is one of my favorites. The lead character is kind of like me as well. I hated office jobs… my name is Peter… Granted, he was involved with Jennifer Aniston for a bit longer than I was, but that’s neither here nor there.
4:31 p.m. – I discover a website that computes the number of degrees celebs are from Kevin Bacon and find that Rod Steiger & Harry Hamlin are each only two degrees away.
Rod Steiger was in NAKED FACE, THE (1984) with Jimmie F. Skaggs
Jimmie F. Skaggs was in HOLLOW MAN (2000) with Kevin Bacon
Harry Hamlin was in PERFUME (2001) with Kylie Bax
Kylie Bax was in WE MARRIED MARGO (2000) with Kevin Bacon
Elisha Cuthbert – 2
Matthew Perry – 2
Paul Reubens – 2
Hmmm… should they be renaming it “2 Degrees�”
I gotta find someone who is more:
Ben Affleck � 2
Ethan Suplee � 2
Waylon Jennings � 2 (Honestly!)
This is getting weird.
Even Pat Mastroianni (“Joey Jeremiah” from DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH) is only 2 degrees.
I’�m bored now. (Try it yourself and let me know what you find. And no silent film stars or “Bollywood” regulars, ya big cheats!)
6:00 p.m. – I eat some dinner while watching SEINFELD. It is “The Contest” episode. What is the universe trying to tell me?
6:30 p.m. – I start back towards my PC, but hear the opening theme to KING OF THE HILL.
“Admiral. Admiral. Lady Admiral.” Genius! Dale Gribble is my favourite character on TV. Or is it Rusty Shackleford? Hmmm�
7:01 p.m. – Back in front of the computer. I crack my knuckles and get ready to get down to work.
7:03 p.m. – I decide to sort through all the mail in my inbox.
7:05 p.m. – I realize that I get an awful lot of e-mail from dethroned heirs to foreign riches who just need someone to co-sign something or pony up a bit of cash for their legal defense/etc.
7:15 p.m. – Midget porn!! I immediately send this spam e-mail to my buddy, Coo Funk. Moments later he replies saying that he got exactly the same mail. We laugh and laugh. Nothing like seeing a sawed-off little bastard trying to climb up the back of a large woman to bond two dudes. We were making memories tonight.
7:30 p.m. – Judging from the rest of the junk mail I can apparently make $50,000 a year working from home while fixing my credit problems, getting my film developed for free, starting my own e-commerce site, saving the rain forest and achieving 3-day-long erections. Tempting…
8:00 p.m. – I read yet another mention of “Jumping the Shark.” Of course that is a thing of the past, but what if I created a spin-off? Say for example the point in a move where it completely runs off the tracks. Like in TWISTER when there is a flying cow� Or in ID4 when the opening credits role. “Flying the cow�” Well, you get the idea.
Also, how about the point in an actor�s career when they totally fuck up with their choice of a role? HUDSON HAWKing? (Of course Bruce rebounded nicely.)
(I didn’t come up with good examples… obviously. But, if you can, feel free to send them in. The best example of each will win one of the leftover portable DVD players I receive.)
10:00 p.m. – My insanely patient girlfriend calls and I proceed to tell her that I didn’t get a chance to do a favor for her because I was too busy today.
11:59 p.m. – I begin drifting off to sleep as SPORTS CENTER plays on in the background. The Raptors won! “Maybe I’ll get some screenwriting done tomorrow,” I think. I have the day off again. And it’s not like I am going to spend the entire day doing something silly — like writing an unsolicited article for a website or anything.