Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more

Because I’m not one of you lucky anonymous bloggers, I don’t usually talk about too many “real” things in here. But…

I have an ex-girlfriend that is driving me out of my mind.

This chick, man…

I honestly don’t even know where to start.

[I’ve just been informed by Jen that I have to make it clear that this is NOT about her. That she is always ever so lovely and just delightful to have around. And that my family, especially The ACN, LOVE her and that her urine cures the bird flu.]

[While Jen has a blog of her own, she wants to stay all anonymouspants lest I have a stalker. And now Jen is laughing at that. I should have asked if Jen was drinking wine BEFORE telling her what I was blogging about.]

[Now Jen wants me to say that her blog is full of niceness about me. Aren’t you all glad that this post ISN’T about her?]

[Jen: And mention that I’m pretty?]

Back to Crazy McStuckinthepast…

And it’s not like we JUST broke up. When we called things off, Gerald Ford was in his second year as president and Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy” was topping the charts.

OK, maybe it wasn’t that long ago. But, it was, like, a year and a half.

Now, I adore me as much as the next person, but, dude… let’s move on.

I don’t want to get too deeply into how we started dating, just because I suspect this post is going to be kind of long anyway. I will say that it is not a good idea to start a relationship with someone based on: a lifelong curiosity about Italian girls, cute glasses, boobs.

Also, when you meet someone who is going through some personal stuff they may appear to be deep, introspective and to have a bit of an artistic soul. However, when they work through that stuff, you may find out that their actual personality makes you want to tear out your own hair and stuff a pillow with it.

Our conversations typically went a little something like this:

Her: I don’t really GET blogs, Peter.

Me: Get? What the hell is there to get?

Her: Can you make money with it?

Me: Why must you turn it into something dirty? Clearly I have a blog because I am in love with my own thoughts and want to foist them upon unsuspecting people online.

Her: I just don’t DO blogs. Or Facebook.

Me: ……

Her: Can I shut the TV off so that we can talk in peace?

Me: I loathe you.

Her: I hate it when you are sarcastic.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Her: I don’t get it.

[Some of that was fictionalized… but much less than you’d think.]

Eventually, it was clearly time to call things off.

So, we did.

Yay!

HOWEVER…

Things didn’t seem to end. Not completely anyway. Still got a lot of e-mails. And quite a few phone calls. (At one point I just started turning my phone off at night.)

There was lots of me saying, “You do realize we are broken up, right?”

And now our e-mails go a little something like this:

Me: Maybe we shouldn’t communicate for a while.

Her: You know, maybe we shouldn’t communicate for a while.

Me: Or we could do that.

Her: So, I guess I’ll talk to you on special occasions or if I need your expertise.

Me: See ya.

3 days pass.

Her: So, this is a link to my friend’s imdb.com page.

Peter’s head explodes.

Her: [something aggravating.]

Me: Seriously… I am THIS close to reporting you as spam in gmail and calling it a day.

Her: Hahaha! You love me so much!

As of the typing of this post, I am hoping that we are embarking on another of our quiet periods. But, I’ve seen it all before.

I’ve tried being nice. I’ve tried being a little less nice. I’ve tried being borderline rude. I’ve tried being pretty damn blunt.

Nothing seems to work.

Hmmmm. I wonder if I introduce her to my Insignificant Other, if that will help.

Or I’ll just have to move and change my name.

[I’d also like to add that just because I have one crazy ex, and another tipsy one helped write the intro to this post, that doesn’t mean I have baggage. For real!]

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  1. lfar says:

    Here’s my in relation to my exes. I hadn’t talked to him all summer (we called it off in May), while we lived in different cities. I return to school, and overhear somebody mentioning that he dropped out of school. My first thought: yessssss now I NEVER have to see him! Hooray!

    That’s pretty much constant across the board. I’ve never been any good at “still being friends”.

    I feel bad for you. I think just ignore the emails totally.

  2. 123Valerie says:

    “I will say that it is not a good idea to start a relationship with someone based on: a lifelong curiosity about Italian girls, cute glasses, boobs.”

    Peter, you just shot down my entire strategy.

    Well, my astrologer did tell me I wasn’t likely to get married until after I turned 29, so I have a couple of years to regroup.

    I supposed you have to weigh the attention versus the aggravation. Or not. I don’t want to come across as all “Advicey McTellingyouwhattodopants.”

    Let’s just talk about boobs some more.

  3. 123Valerie says:

    Oh, and can you turn on the TV while we talk about boobs, please?

  4. Paige Jennifer says:

    For the love of FUCKING GOD – this? This is my competition? This psycho freak woman with zero humor is the type of woman I go up against in the dating arena? Seriosuly now, someone, anyone – you, yeah you – why am I still single? I’m baffled. Completely baffled. Someone fetch me a drink.

  5. Mim says:

    I just started reading your blog and was really pulled in by yesterday’s post and have since read all of your posts about the ACN. Now I’m starting to read through the rest of your archives. I’m just really struck by your love for your niece. It’s beautiful.

    I’m sorry you have a psycho ex. I think everyone has at least one. Just ignore her. Don’t try to be the nice guy that you are. I know it will be hard but just try to ignore the craziness. :)

  6. jazz says:

    it seems to me you spoiled her with attention before and that she wants to keep that part even though you guys are no longer dating.

    she sounds like a spoiled brat. you’d never spoil anyone would you peter?!

  7. Clink says:

    I’m actually glad you clarified that because I was all JEN? REALLY? When I read the first few paragraphs.

    And I guess my philosophy of “men love batshit crazy women” is out the window.

  8. CamiKaos says:

    Boobs can be a bad reason to start a relationship? What about a nice ass? I’m gonna have to break that to my husband… it’s gonna break his heart.

    But really, maybe you’re just tooooo nice. When my ex boyfriends got all clingy I would shut them out. You could always copy this post into an email and send it to her… Or would she think you were being funny?

  9. Eve says:

    Spam ‘er.

  10. Peter says:

    lisa: Ignoring does seem like the way to go.

    valerie: Who doesn’t enjoy a good boob chat?

    paige jennifer: It felt more like a bait and switch type deal.

    mim: Thanks for dropping in. And the kind words.

    jazz: Spoiling… That doesn’t sound at all like me.

    clink: Bat shit crazy can be great. But, it has to be in an endearing way.

    camikaos: She’s take it to mean that I looooove her.

    eve: She take that as a sign that I loved her too!

  11. jamelah says:

    Why did this remind me of that scene in Wayne’s World where his psycho ex-girlfriend bought him a gun rack (that left him less than impressed) and she says “You don’t like it? Fine. You know, Wayne, if you’re not careful, you’re going to lose me.” And he replies “I lost you two months ago! We broke up! Are you mental?”

    Yeah, I did just quote Wayne’s World. I am so proud of me right now.

  12. Slightly Disorganized says:

    Peter, it’s just that you’re so damn sexy and hard to get over. Try turning down the sex appeal, if that’s even possible.

  13. Princess of the Universe says:

    Peter I SO want to date you right now.

  14. Airam says:

    Oh Peter you never fail to amuse me. And I’m so sorry that ex is still giving you problems. Please don’t let her be the image you hold when you think of Italian girls with cute glasses and boobs.

  15. sybil law says:

    Peter – WHY are you even talking to her? Spam!!! That’s why it’s there!!! Seriously – cut that chick out altogether. No answering calls or anything. Even if she does need your “expertise”. Obviously, trying to be nice doesn’t work!
    Hey… you’re pretty nice to me… are you trying to break up with me?! Aw, no… you love me… hahaha GAG. :)
    But really – still – why are you single? You’re sweet for trying to be nice – just STOP.IT.

  16. Peter says:

    jamelah: SO fitting. Honestly. I could tell many more stories, but I am trying to block them out.

    sarah leigh: Every post yields one favourite comment…

    princess: Is that sarcasm? I think it is.

    airam: I am glad that my pain amuses you. *sniffle* I do still love glasses and boobs.

    sybil: So, your advice is to be MORE of a jerk? As a guy, we never hear that. It’s refreshing.

  17. mindy says:

    Oh Peter, we all have crazy exes – but a crazy ex who doesn’t get sarcasm? I hope her boobs were really nice.

  18. Peter says:

    mindy: I should have mentioned that she didn’t even recognize the most obvious of classic Simpsons references. They haven’t invented the boobs that can make up for that.

  19. sybil law says:

    Hell YES I am saying be more of a jerk! Sometimes, you just HAVE to be. Really. And now that you’ve said she doesn’t and won’t even catch Simpson’s references, then I now suggest you just cut her. Kidding! But really – I don’t think subtlety works with her. Cut her off, Godfather style. (Um, not killing… just no contact.)

  20. Princess of the Universe says:

    No that wasn’t sarcasm, I expect you to pick me up at 8:00 on Friday. I’ll be wearing pink – dress to match.

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