Because I’m not one of you lucky anonymous bloggers, I don’t usually talk about too many “real” things in here. But…
I have an ex-girlfriend that is driving me out of my mind.
This chick, man…
I honestly don’t even know where to start.[I’ve just been informed by Jen that I have to make it clear that this is NOT about her. That she is always ever so lovely and just delightful to have around. And that my family, especially The ACN, LOVE her and that her urine cures the bird flu.] [While Jen has a blog of her own, she wants to stay all anonymouspants lest I have a stalker. And now Jen is laughing at that. I should have asked if Jen was drinking wine BEFORE telling her what I was blogging about.] [Now Jen wants me to say that her blog is full of niceness about me. Aren’t you all glad that this post ISN’T about her?] [Jen: And mention that I’m pretty?]
Back to Crazy McStuckinthepast…
And it’s not like we JUST broke up. When we called things off, Gerald Ford was in his second year as president and Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy” was topping the charts.
OK, maybe it wasn’t that long ago. But, it was, like, a year and a half.
Now, I adore me as much as the next person, but, dude… let’s move on.
I don’t want to get too deeply into how we started dating, just because I suspect this post is going to be kind of long anyway. I will say that it is not a good idea to start a relationship with someone based on: a lifelong curiosity about Italian girls, cute glasses, boobs.
Also, when you meet someone who is going through some personal stuff they may appear to be deep, introspective and to have a bit of an artistic soul. However, when they work through that stuff, you may find out that their actual personality makes you want to tear out your own hair and stuff a pillow with it.
Our conversations typically went a little something like this:
Her: I don’t really GET blogs, Peter.
Me: Get? What the hell is there to get?
Her: Can you make money with it?
Me: Why must you turn it into something dirty? Clearly I have a blog because I am in love with my own thoughts and want to foist them upon unsuspecting people online.
Her: I just don’t DO blogs. Or Facebook.
Her: Can I shut the TV off so that we can talk in peace?
Me: I loathe you.
Her: I hate it when you are sarcastic.
Her: I don’t get it.[Some of that was fictionalized… but much less than you’d think.]
Eventually, it was clearly time to call things off.
So, we did.
Things didn’t seem to end. Not completely anyway. Still got a lot of e-mails. And quite a few phone calls. (At one point I just started turning my phone off at night.)
There was lots of me saying, “You do realize we are broken up, right?”
And now our e-mails go a little something like this:
Me: Maybe we shouldn’t communicate for a while.
Her: You know, maybe we shouldn’t communicate for a while.
Me: Or we could do that.
Her: So, I guess I’ll talk to you on special occasions or if I need your expertise.
Me: See ya.
3 days pass.
Her: So, this is a link to my friend’s imdb.com page.
Peter’s head explodes.
Her: [something aggravating.]
Me: Seriously… I am THIS close to reporting you as spam in gmail and calling it a day.
Her: Hahaha! You love me so much!
As of the typing of this post, I am hoping that we are embarking on another of our quiet periods. But, I’ve seen it all before.
I’ve tried being nice. I’ve tried being a little less nice. I’ve tried being borderline rude. I’ve tried being pretty damn blunt.
Nothing seems to work.
Hmmmm. I wonder if I introduce her to my Insignificant Other, if that will help.
Or I’ll just have to move and change my name.[I’d also like to add that just because I have one crazy ex, and another tipsy one helped write the intro to this post, that doesn’t mean I have baggage. For real!]