Don't look for Mel on JDate

It has taken me a few days to really absorb this recent Mel Gibson contretemps. Many other wiser and more articulate – though shorter and less ruggedly handsome – folks have already weighed-in on it. However, I felt like sharing my thoughts. Lucky you.

Firstly, it is not entirely shocking to me that he would be saying all kinds of anti-Jewish things. He has already stated that he doesn’t believe that the Holocaust happened. That alone probably means that you won’t meet up with him at temple on Friday.

Blaming his comments on the booze is just silly. There is no such thing as anti-semitic sipping scotch. Liquor just makes you express your real thoughts… and potentially leads to you hooking up with a cave-dweller of some sort.

I think that Mel should be doing come damage control for his career. He could start by renaming some of his classic films. MAD MAXWELL for example. OY! WHAT JEWISH WOMEN WANT could work. LAST TEMPTATION OF…

Well, we may be kind of locked into that one.

You have to admit that this may be the best ever ploy for distracting folks from an initial crime. I keep forgetting that he was drunk-driving at all. Granted, I do remember that he is a hate-mongering fuck. But, the DUI thing completely slips my mind. Weird.

Thankfully there was one good thing that came out of this fiasco…

“Sugar tits.”

Now, I’ve never heard that phrase before. But, I have to admit that it made me giggle.

Personally, I’m a “fucknuts” man. I use it whenever I can’t remember someone’s name. “Hey fucknuts, pass me that.” Oddly enough I also use it as a guess for someone’s name. “Did you talk to your proctologist? Dr. Fucknuts is it?”

But, I think I’ll add “Sugar tits” to rotation. But, only when talking to – and about – dudes. Seems much funnier that way.

If I ever start a band, I want to name it “Sugar Tits and Mozza Balls” in honour of Mel. We’d do a cover of Buffalo Springfield’s “Mr. Soul.” But that really has nothing to do with this topic.

I wonder how all this will affect Mel’s legacy.

Regardless of what happens, I can see Mel at 80, leading a life of quiet desperation – and booming flatulence. He’ll get a lifetime achievement award during The Oscars. The same people he has just insulted will be standing and applauding. They’ll convince themselves that they are clapping for his work and not the man himself.

Maybe, if we are lucky, a senile Mel will refer to the host – Ellen Degeneres Jr. – as “sugar tits.”

Then, and ONLY then, can the true healing begin.

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  1. James Cooper says:

    I’d actually heard the phrase “sugar tits” before. Not sure when, why, or in what context but I’m fairly certain it wasn’t a term of endearment. But now I know I’ll never be able to use it in serious discourse without invoking ghosts of anti-semitism.

    Damn you Mel Gibson!

  2. nikki says:

    Mel Gibson is a big pile of horse shit.

    Which is sad really, because after all he is not-technically-but-still Australian. And I’ve heard those Aussies are a great, sexy, intelligent, witty bunch of people.

    That’s just what I’ve heard.

  3. Peter says:

    james: I think you should continue to embrace the sugar tits. You heard me.

    nikki: You know, I heard that too. And I will definitely not let Mel taint the way that I view the great, sexy, intelligent and witty Aussies.

  4. Anonymous says:

    But he did have the best looking mug shot I have possibly ever seen.

    He called someone “sugar tits”?

  5. Peter says:

    anonymous: He allegedly referred to a female cop as “Sugar tits.”

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