Destroying Your Childhood Memories
(OR “I knew it had gone horribly awry as soon as I started typing.”)
It’s funny how the aging process can gloss over some of the things from your childhood. Maybe it is just repressing. Maybe the brain needs to do this to cope.
But, sometimes it is better to remember.
Sometimes we need to look at these things closely and learn everything that we can. Doomed to repeat history and all of that. Because oftentimes there was a lot more going on under the surface than our young minds could have possibly understood.
And frequently we don’t find out the truth until many years later.
This was the case at the recently completed Muppet Show reunion special.
It seemed a pretty typical night in the Muppet Theater. Decades later, everything felt basically the same.
The show had just ended. The guest star, Elton John, was off doing body shots with some of the stagehands.
A group of cast members, not including Miss Piggy, were gathered in Kermit’s dressing room when the frog entered. He was wearing sunglasses that would make Mary-Kate and Ashley say, “Those are some pretty big fucking shades right there.”
Kermit: Oh, hello.
Scooter: Kermit… There is something we’d all like to talk to you about.
Kermit: What’s going on?
Scooter: Sit down.
Kermit takes a seat. He glances around the room at this large group of his friends.
Scooter: It’s just that… When something has been going on for a long time and… Uhm.
Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der mitt de gitt der gue bitt. Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn børk! børk! børk!
Scooter: A little harsh, but well put. Kermit, we know that Piggy has been beating you.
Kermit: That’s a lie! I fell down the stairs.
Gonzo: Kermie, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Relationships are hard. Me and Camille are going through a rocky patch. I mean, I didn’t even know that a chicken COULD get genital herpes.
In the corner of the room Rowlf plays “dum dum dum duuuuum” on a piano.
Gonzo: I travel a lot… As a stuntman, you know. My latest act is I try to steal a tray of chicken wings from the Baldwin brothers. It’s terrifying…
Everyone begins talking at once, trying to talk over each other.
Everyone stops except for…
Janice: And it’s not my fault that you have a tiny penis, man.
Dr. Teeth: Tiny?! Even a 747 would seem small if you landed it in the Grand Canyon.
Scooter: Can we get back on topic, please? Kermit, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew couldn’t be here. He’s got another couple of years on his sentence.
Kermit: That BALCO case was a bitch, eh?
Beaker: Meep meep meep!
Beaker rolls up his lab coat sleeve and shows his “Free Honeydew” tattoo.
Scooter: Stay strong, Beak.
Kermit: You even invited Animal?
Animal: Animal same qualifications as Dr. Phil. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Animal begins chewing on the coffee table.
Scooter: So, Kermit, I think the thing to do is to immediately get you out of that house.
Kermit: (voice cracking) But, where would I go?
Scooter: Statler and Waldorf have generously offered to let you stay in the guest room of their condo.
Kermie sees the old dudes sitting off in the corner.
Statler: Sure. We have the room.
Waldorf: Yeah. The only danger people should face from pork is from eating it.
Statler: Speaking of… you have some on your face right now, sweetie.
Statler brushes it off Waldorf’s face.
Waldorf: Your hand is like a loofah!
Statler: You didn’t complain last night.
Waldorf: Last night I was hopped up on arthritis medication.
Swedish Chef: Børk børk børk?
Statler: And THEN some.
Scooter: On that note, let’s get Kermit out of here.
Rowlf plays getaway music on the piano as everyone gives Kermit a quick hug and they all head for the door.
Soon Rowlf is playing the piano alone in the room. He’s doing a little Amy Winehouse when Piggy comes storming in.
Piggy: Where’s my little Kermie?
Rowlf stops playing. He thinks for a few moments.
Rowlf: There was a bunch of people here. I think they may have gone bowling.