Destroying Your Childhood Memories

(OR “I knew it had gone horribly awry as soon as I started typing.”)

It’s funny how the aging process can gloss over some of the things from your childhood. Maybe it is just repressing. Maybe the brain needs to do this to cope.

But, sometimes it is better to remember.

Sometimes we need to look at these things closely and learn everything that we can. Doomed to repeat history and all of that. Because oftentimes there was a lot more going on under the surface than our young minds could have possibly understood.

And frequently we don’t find out the truth until many years later.

This was the case at the recently completed Muppet Show reunion special.

It seemed a pretty typical night in the Muppet Theater. Decades later, everything felt basically the same.

The show had just ended. The guest star, Elton John, was off doing body shots with some of the stagehands.

A group of cast members, not including Miss Piggy, were gathered in Kermit’s dressing room when the frog entered. He was wearing sunglasses that would make Mary-Kate and Ashley say, “Those are some pretty big fucking shades right there.”

Kermit: Oh, hello.

Scooter: Kermit… There is something we’d all like to talk to you about.

Kermit: What’s going on?

Scooter: Sit down.

Kermit takes a seat. He glances around the room at this large group of his friends.

Scooter: It’s just that… When something has been going on for a long time and… Uhm.

Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der mitt de gitt der gue bitt. Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn børk! børk! børk!

Scooter: A little harsh, but well put. Kermit, we know that Piggy has been beating you.

Kermit: That’s a lie! I fell down the stairs.

Gonzo: Kermie, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Relationships are hard. Me and Camille are going through a rocky patch. I mean, I didn’t even know that a chicken COULD get genital herpes.

In the corner of the room Rowlf plays “dum dum dum duuuuum” on a piano.

Gonzo: I travel a lot… As a stuntman, you know. My latest act is I try to steal a tray of chicken wings from the Baldwin brothers. It’s terrifying…

Everyone begins talking at once, trying to talk over each other.

Scooter: Quiet!

Everyone stops except for…

Janice: And it’s not my fault that you have a tiny penis, man.

Silence.

Dr. Teeth: Tiny?! Even a 747 would seem small if you landed it in the Grand Canyon.

Scooter: Can we get back on topic, please? Kermit, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew couldn’t be here. He’s got another couple of years on his sentence.

Kermit: That BALCO case was a bitch, eh?

Beaker: Meep meep meep!

Beaker rolls up his lab coat sleeve and shows his “Free Honeydew” tattoo.

Scooter: Stay strong, Beak.

Kermit: You even invited Animal?

Animal: Animal same qualifications as Dr. Phil. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Animal begins chewing on the coffee table.

Scooter: So, Kermit, I think the thing to do is to immediately get you out of that house.

Kermit: (voice cracking) But, where would I go?

Scooter: Statler and Waldorf have generously offered to let you stay in the guest room of their condo.

Kermit: Really?

Kermie sees the old dudes sitting off in the corner.

Statler: Sure. We have the room.

Waldorf: Yeah. The only danger people should face from pork is from eating it.

Statler: Speaking of… you have some on your face right now, sweetie.

Statler brushes it off Waldorf’s face.

Waldorf: Your hand is like a loofah!

Statler: You didn’t complain last night.

Waldorf: Last night I was hopped up on arthritis medication.

Swedish Chef: Børk børk børk?

Statler: And THEN some.

Scooter: On that note, let’s get Kermit out of here.

Rowlf plays getaway music on the piano as everyone gives Kermit a quick hug and they all head for the door.

Soon Rowlf is playing the piano alone in the room. He’s doing a little Amy Winehouse when Piggy comes storming in.

Piggy: Where’s my little Kermie?

Rowlf stops playing. He thinks for a few moments.

Rowlf: There was a bunch of people here. I think they may have gone bowling.

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  1. Janet says:

    U miss the Muppets, especially the Swedish Chef. I mentioned the Muppets to my students nonchalantly one day and they looked at me like I had three heads. How sad is that?:(

  2. Janet says:

    I meant to say I miss the Muppets, not U of course you probably do too:)

  3. Airam says:

    Ok this was awesome!!!

    I was dying of laughter when the swedish chef was talking!!!

    Joke for you:

    What’s green and smells like pork?

    Kermit’s finger.

  4. Hellafied says:

    I thought this was going to be a really introspective, sentimental post until I got to this part:

    This was the case at the recently completed Muppet Show reunion special.

    Ha. Well done, my friend.

  5. Jurgen Nation says:

    HOLY. FECKING. SHIT.

    I just wrote a post today on the Muppets and all of these characters and I swear on my and Jurgen’s life that I didn’t read yours before posting.

    Great minds and all that.

  6. Eve says:

    The way you remember things reinforces your worldview and the way you think you fit into it. At least, that’s what I’m thinking now.

  7. Eve says:

    Hahahahaha. That was hilarious.

    Meep!

  8. The Stormin Mormon says:

    “green and smells like pork”

    -AHAHAHAHAHAHA…

  9. Stefanie says:

    I’ll have some of what you’re drinking, please.

  10. Gonzo's Choked Chicken says:

    Well done, but I smell reheated Robot Chicken…

  11. jamelah says:

    This kind of made my morning.

    “I didn’t even know a chicken COULD get genital herpes.”

    Golden.

  12. Peter says:

    janet: See, that is what’s wrong with kids today!

    airam: Green and smells like pork? I don’t… OH MY! Airam! I thought you were a good Canadian girl. I am shocked. SHOCKED!

    hellafied: Thanks! I like to zig when a zag is expected.

    stacy: That was weird! Of course, yours was way pervier than mine.

    eve: Thanks! Meep!

    stormin’: Don’t encourage her. Airam is on time out.

    gonzo: I don’t know what that is, dude.

    jamelah: Thanks! I just wonder why more scientists aren’t studying that issue even as we type.

  13. Peter says:

    stefanie: I forgot to respond to you. Sorry! Hey, wait — what exactly were you trying to say?

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