Coral-Vision

I just read a blog post by the moderately lovely and occasionally charming sidewaysrain.

I love her poems.

So, I decided, “Hey! I’m going to write a word doodle!”

And then I thought, “Exclamation points? Really? You are THAT excited?”

Which was followed by, “Don’t be cranky with me, homey.”

And then by, “Go Colts!”

So, I went to re-read her poem and… decided that I didn’t really want to follow that.

However, I was already in blog posting mode. So, I needed something. I went to my draft folder to see if I had any ideas there. Nope. I checked my brain.

“Go Colts!”

Nothing there either.

The Colts did win yesterday. (Yay!)

But, so did the Patriots. (Booooo! Yes, Susie, I know…)

On Saturday afternoon I decided that I was going to hit my couch and watch some college basketball. Duke vs. Michigan. I’m a UCONN fan, but college hoops is college hoops. However, I thought the game was starting an hour and a half earlier than it actually was.

I had 90 minutes to go do something constructive before tip off. However, I was already ever so comfy on my couch. I think you can see the dilemma I was in. “I should totally get up and *yaaaaawn* do something productive. Or I could just reeeecline a little bit more…”

I checked out my PVR, but had nothing that I felt like watching. (Thank you, writers strike. Grrrrrr.)

I flipped through the channel guide and on MTV Canada found a marathon of “The Real World: Sydney.”

I haven’t watched a season of The Real World since… Chicago, I think. (I looooved Keri.) Mostly because I’m a grown man. But, also because it has become horribly repetitive and they cast the most annoying morons ever. Seriously. (You always need one house guest that people don’t want to punch in the face. They are the voice of reason and, by comparison, make the evil ones seem even eviler. This is not rocket science, MTV!)

Still, there was nothing on at all.

So, I flipped the channel and quickly found out that the marathon was in “Coral-Vision.”

Over the years I have seen a few episodes of those challenge shows where they stick Real World and Road Rules people in some locale and make them compete, and hook-up, and get drunk and destroy something. So, I’ve seen Coral before. She scared me a little. And not in a fun way.

I was pretty iffy on this whole “Coral-Vision” concept.

And I was SO wrong.

She is a genius.

GENIUS.

Over the next THREE HOURS I laughed out loud a number of times. And I am not a big laugher out louder. I am more of a smirker and light chuckler.

She was gold.

The best stuff was at the expense of Shauvon (the big-boobeded blonde) and the disembodied voice of her sackless boyfriend/ex-fiance David.

I couldn’t even begin to explain this dude. He is beyond fucked. Ike Turner would say, “You know, this sumbitch is pretty damn controlling.”

Every time Shauvon did anything, he threatened to break up with her… even though they weren’t really together any more. Except she wore an engagement ring. But, jumped into bed with some sketchy dude.

David even cried at one point.

CRIED.

On (inter)national TV.

Over her.

Cried.

They should have been filming the disgusted look on my face and the slow head shake.

She didn’t just give birth to your baby. Or, you know, hand you the Stanley Cup.

Dude… Come on.

At one point, Shauvon and the sissy got into some fight. It probably went something like this:

“Shuavon… let me speak. You’re being affected by the earth’s gravitational forces?!?!? I thought you loved me!! We’re through!! *click*”

So, Shauvon put on her big sunglasses and went to write him an e-mail. As she finished, Coral and her friend “Evan” popped onscreen and were mocking the e-mail. I may be paraphrasing here, but it went like this:

Coral: She’s just sending it. No spellcheck or nothin’.

Evan: She needs spellcheck.

Coral: She needs LifeCheck.

I cracked up.

And there were so many little moments of Coralisiciousness.

My favourite was when David was on the phone saying, “Shauvon, I have a question… I have a question… I have a question…”

Coral’s head popped up on the bottom of the screen, “Well, ask it, motherfucker. Ask it.”

I laughed SO much.

Wow. So, what have we learned here?

Clearly I had nothing to write about today. (Ehhhh. It’s Monday morning.)

And, except if they are playing the Colts, I don’t ever want to watch the evil Patriots play again.

Unless it is in Coral-Vision.

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Apropos of nothing:

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  1. Miriam says:

    Coral=Amazing! Always has. She always tells it like it is.

    I’m totally addicted to bad reality TV :) Don’t judge.

    http://lspoon.wordpress.com

  2. mindy says:

    I used to hate Coral when she was on the Real World. Sounds like she’s gotten funnier, however?

    Also, Go Colts!!!

  3. Molly says:

    Hahah Coral. I saw her when she came to speak at my college. So funny. I was just thinking yesterday that I wish they would do reruns of the good RW…like Boston!

  4. Clink says:

    I HATED Coral when she was on the show but it’s nice to see she has redeemed herself.

    And Dear MTV, Please make my week and start airing re-runs of RW Hawaii. Love, Clink.

  5. Pretty Pretty Princess says:

    Colts vs. Patriots in CoralVision. Ha! That’d be awesome. I can hear the “quiet the f down bitches, offense at work” jokes now…

  6. each of the two says:

    so what you are saying is… if coral handed you the stanley cup we could see you cry on national teli?

    cool.

    p.s. you must read “sex drugs and cocoa puffs” Chuck Klosterman also LOVES RW (and coincidentaly has a similar sense of humour)

  7. Susie says:

    Oooh you’re sooo bitter about the Patriots! I don’t know why you even torture yourself with watching…Stick to the Real World ;)

  8. Rachel says:

    hhhmmmm

    do they show this in the uk?

    never heard of it!

    (i’ve chosen to crawl out from behind my rock and stop being sneaky by the way) big kisses!

    And it hasn’t come yet! im so annoyed!

  9. Niki Nielsen says:

    Go Colts!

  10. B2G says:

    I, like everyone else apparently, hated Coral with a passion when she was on her season. (Back to NY?) I still hated her on the RW/RR challenges. (Hi, MTV, bring those back, please? And include Ruthie. Kthanksbai.) But I am POSITIVE that if she was making fun of people I hated (which would totally be Shauvon), I would be enjoying it like no other. Why don’t we get Coral-vision down here?

    (Sorry about all the parentheticals.)

  11. Peter says:

    miriam: I am in now position to judge anyone on TV watching. Trust me.

    mindy: Whooo! And, yeah, sarcastic jerkass comment-maker is her ideal role.

    molly: Your school brought in Coral to speak? Awesome.

    clink: I only saw a few episodes of Hawaii. And only remember the little chick with the drinking problem. I DO remember Mallory in Paris though.

    sweetescape: And I am sure she’d have something to say about Tom Brady knocking people up all over the place.

    each: Coral doesn’t strike me as a hockey fan, for some reason…

    susie: Grrrrrrrrrrr.

    rachel: Isn’t there an MTV Europe? They might show it.

    niki: Whoooooooo! Colts!

  12. mcgee says:

    What is this Coral-Vision you speak of? I must find it. I watched a bunch of episodes of Real World Sydney, but not without the commentary skills of Coral.

  13. Peter says:

    sarah: It is cool. I use the crap out of parentheticals. (I really do!) And Coral has clearly found her niche. It was brilliant.

    mcgee: Maybe it is only on MTV Canada? Which would stand to reason, as most awesome things in the world are Canadian. True story.

  14. Ashley says:

    i fucking love coral. she was one scary bitch, but still. funniest shit ever.

    (i’m trying to see how many curse words i can fit into one comment. clearly. damn it.)

  15. Brianna says:

    Coral is shockingly awesome. I almost think she had a writer. Of course the real world peeps do make it easy especially since the guy you’re not supposed to hate this season sounds like Cletus.

  16. Peter says:

    ashley: I think that you should fucking curse like mad.

    brianna: See, that guy is the least assholeish, but I honestly have no idea what he is saying. Ever. Hard to really like him.

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