Sometimes I have an idea for a blog post, get all excited, start writing it and then realize that I just don’t like it anymore… or that it is an absolute abomination.
We all know that some things seem much better in theory than they turn out in reality.
Like shower sex.
Occasionally I jot these ideas down, just in case I think of some way to make them better in the future.
Or, in this case, for days when I just don’t have anything to post.
These probably should have stayed hidden.
This is my now.
I am living in the moment.
How crappified is that American Idol song? That was the winner of the contest?
I totally should enter the songwriting contest next year.
While I can’t write actual music, I am an award winning lyricist.
Not many people know that I wrote Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.”
I was sitting around one day, writing angry letters to the government, when I realized, “Holy shit. I am waaay too sexy for my cat.”*
What’cha think about that?
So, yeah, next year I should write a song.
I will totally add a rap section in the middle where Randy Jackson can diss Simon’s man-boobies.
It’ll be glorious.
[* I didn’t actually tell the cat. It would have been damaging for her self-esteem. But, she knew. She could see it in my eyes.]
Frequently fictional scenes pop into my head out of the blue. These are usually populated by characters I have never seen before. They just pop in and act shit out. Sometimes it evolves into something mildly amusing that I can turn into something a little bigger. Sometimes it evolves into something unfunny, but kind of interesting. And sometimes it can even turn into a full-on screenplay. (I like those last sometimeses.)
This one turned into none of those things.
A TV reporter is interviewing a Mexican man with a strange claim to fame.
Reporter: So, tell us all about what you have there.
Man: Okay. It is a taco with the image of Kathie Lee Gifford in it.
Reporter: Wow. Can we see it?
The man holds up a taco with an unrecognizable dark patch.
Reporter: Fascinating. And where did you get this? It wasn’t on a Carnival Cruise was it?
The Reporter laughs all by himself. Ah ha ha ha. Ah hee hee hee. (Yes, just like Barney Rubble.)
The man just stares at him.
Man: I bought it at the store, homes.
Reporter: I see.
Man: Once we saw that it was Kathie Lee, nobody wanted to eat it.
Reporter: Understandably so. So, what ARE you going to do with it?
Man: We’re not too sure yet. But, we usually follow one philosophy.
Reporter: Which is?
The man points to a poster on the wall. It is a poster of a bearded man on a cross, below is written “WWJD”
Reporter: What Would Jesus Do?
Man: Oh no, it’s not GEE-ZUS. It is What Would HEY-ZEUS Do? He’s my brother. Lives in Baltimore.
The Reporter looks into the camera.
Reporter: This is Kenny Brocklestein reporting…
Man: He’s all sage and shit.
Reporter: Back to you in the studio, Kim Tanaka.
Man: I also have a bean that looks like Scott Baio.
Another reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people.
Other person: Do you curse a lot?
Me: I could swear the chrome off a trailer hitch. Wait. That… doesn’t sound right.