Big Love(s?)

I don’t get polygamy.

There, I’ve said it.

So, I caught the last ten-fifteen minutes of an episode of HBO’s “Big Love” starring Bill Pullman or Paxton last night. In my defense, I was just waiting for “The Amazing Race” to start. Hmmm… I’m not sure if that is really much of a defense. And I could write a book on those Americans doing insulting Italian accents as they ran around Sicily.

But, back to Bill Pullton and his many loves…

It wasn’t easy for me to even watch any of the show. Jeanne Tripplehorn is in it. She reminds me a girl I dated a long time ago. The mere thought of it still gives me the heebies. And, wait…. Let me check… Yes, the jeebies too.

Still, I managed to power through and watch a bit of the show. Now, I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t the pilot episode, so my main question wasn’t answered…

How would you broach this subject with your first wife?

Did Bill Paxman cuddle up with his wife late one night and whisper in her ear, “Sweetie, you know how variety is the spice of life? Well, I’d like to add a little “Rosemary” to our bedroom.”

(This baffles me. Not as much as Heather Locklear dating David Spade baffles me, but still quite a bit.)

Regardless, let’s say that he somehow manages to get the question out, what is her motivation for agreeing to it? Perhaps the urge to have his Aqua Velva-smelling ass climbing on top of someone else and letting you sleep is very attractive to some married women.

I really should have prefaced this post by saying that I’m of two minds – and like four and a half spleens – on this topic. On one hand, I worry about what it is doing to the Mel Gibsonesque number of kids that seem to be present in these situations. On the other hand… Meh. How is it any of my business?

I suppose it could be argued that in monogamous couples, sometimes the man wants someone younger, so he leaves his wife for his super bendy young secretary. Then the wife is left alone with the kids. In Polygamyville, the husband stays around. Which, I think we can all agree, certainly helps with spider location and elimination.

Would it be shallow of me to mention that in the bits and pieces of documentary footage I’ve seen on polygamy, the people involved are just mind-numbingly ugly? Probably, eh? I guess I won’t mention it.

Towards the end of last night’s episode, Bill P. pops a viagra and then slides under the covers with Jeanne Tripplehorn. She feels little Bill hit her and realizes that he is coming to bed polygamizing with loving on his mind. She tells him that she “just needs some sleep.” So, he rolls over on his back. Now, this is where it gets even more confusing for me.

You’ve popped a little blue helper. It is doing what it is meant to do. Wife #1 shuts you down. But, you have two more wives under the same roof. Is this just obvious to me? Don’t you go door to door and see if you can find another taker? Not to sound crass, but if that is not how it works, then I have no idea why polygamy would appeal to anyone. Surely there has to be some trade-off for having to pick up three times the amount of feminine hygiene supplies when you go to WalMart.

Polygamy baffles me, but I don’t believe that polyandry exists at all. A woman married to multiple men at the same time? Come on.

If you somehow trick a woman into marrying you, and then continuing to put up with you, there is no way in the world that she is going to be duped a second time.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Oh it does exist. Most of the polygamous people I know are women, but they’re not married to multiple partners because that would be illegal

  2. Sid says:

    Actually … guys who are into polygamy, don’t wait around until they’ve married to you before they brooch the subject. It’s one of the first things they say to you when they hit on you. It’s all, “You’re pretty. You’ll make a lovely addition to my household. I’m looking for a 2nd wife.” (This has actually happened to me.) I’ve also been told that men need an extra wife or two coz sexually we don’t last as long as men …

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