"Best Laid Plans" – Part 2

[Have you read Part 1?]

He tapped his pen on his desk.

“Special night…”

More pen tapping.

“Oooh!”

He started jotting down notes on a piece of paper.

Suddenly J.P. jumped up from his desk, grabbed his coat from behind his door and dashed out of his office.

He yelled, “Hold my calls!” to his assistant Shelley.

“Who calls you?” she mumbled in reply. “Fool.”

J.P. came running out the front door of his office building. He turned left and took off down the street. Then he turned around and ran back to his right. Further proving that his boyscout badge for navigation was a complete fraud.

Eight blocks later…

J.P. busts in through the front door of a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant called “hole in the wall,” which J.P. found a little bit on the nose, but he dug their chicken.

“Pedro, my good man.” He shouted to the 50-something Spanish man behind the bar.

“It’s Monday. We’re closed today.”

“I know. It’s me… J.P.”

“It’s Monday. Ballroom dancing with my wife. We’re closed. Every Monday.”

“I get that. But, I want to rent the place for the night.”

“Fifteen hundred dollars.”

“Fifteen– what? Pedro…”

“That’s my price.”

“That’s crazy. You weren’t even going to be open.”

“Fifteen hundred dollars… I buy my wife a fur coat and she doesn’t make me go to ballroom dancing lessons.”

J.P. couldn’t argue with the logic.

“Fine, Pedro.” J.P. muttered, taking out his credit card.

“And you need to get your own cook.”

“What? Why?”

“Cook teaches the ballroom dancing lessons,” Pedro replied.

“Of course he does. Okay… a cook. I’m on it”

Minutes later J.P. came rushing out the front door and smacked into Rachel Ray.

“Hey! You are Rachel Ray!”

“I know,” she replied, a little dazed.

“Oh! What are you doing tonight, Ms. Ray?”

“Probably going to a chiropractor,” she replied, stretching her back.

“So sorry about that. I need a cook. For tonight. It’s my girlfriend–“

“Did you screw up?”

“I think that I did.”

“What did you do…?

“Oh, I’m J.P.”

“What did you do, J.P.?”

“Well, it seems as if it’s been a bit of a recurring theme. I’m just not making her happy enough. Not as happy as she deserves. She’s always been there for me. I want to step up tonight, you know? I want to show her that I am aware of the problem and that I am going to be working hard to fix it.”

“Damn it, J.P., I’m a romantic. Plus, my show was cancelled, so what the hell else do I have to do?”

Rachel Ray pulled out a notebook and pen and began writing a list.

“These are the ingrediants needed for my ‘Rosemary-Crusted Rack of Lamb with Roasted Fennel and Red Onion.’ Get EVERYTHING I’ve listed.”

“Okay… I had lamb on the weekend, but–“

“Are you kidding me?!”

“Lamb’s great, lamb’s great! Thank you, Rachel Ray. It’s eight o’clock. Here. Tonight. Go in and see Pedro.”

He spun Rachel Ray around and ushered her in through the door.

“And don’t mention ballrooom dancing. Trust me!”

J.P. looks at the list of ingrediants and is off again on the run.

To be continued…

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  1. The Stormin Mormon says:

    Rachel Ray’s show(s) will never be canceled.

    Well… Maybe her talk show, but not the cooking ones.

  2. Amy says:

    Oh my, this dinner is going to be a disaster!

    WOMEN HATE RACHAEL RAY! Don’t believe me? Try google “I hate Rachael Ray”, or “Rachael Ray sucks”. (You might even find something I wrote.)

    She loves herself way more than anyone should. She is exhausting to watch, mostly because he never stops YELLING. Really, just look at her studio audience, they look remarkably unimpressed. Not to mention, she uses garbage for ingredients.

    Did you see the episode where she made fun of Nova Scotia? That was the last straw for me.

  3. Eve says:

    Hmm, I think J.P. has the (usually incorrect) belief that somehow he can make his girlfriend happy…

  4. Peter says:

    stormin’: I suspect that she meant the talk show.

    amy: I’ve only seen a few minutes of her… ever. And basically only remember her because my father once remarked that “she looks like she can fight, fuck, drive a truck, and drink a bottle of wine.” I’m still laughing about that.

    eve: I suspect that you are correct. I also suspect that he can make the situation even worse.

  5. James Cooper says:

    I have a Rachael Ray cookbook from which my girlfriend and I have extracted many tasty recipes (from the Average-Joe point of view). So the food, at least, should be good. If what amy says is true, however, this might be headed for disaster.

    Just to nit-pick though, the line ‘”Hey! You are Rachel Ray!”‘ feels a little awkward. But maybe that’s just me…

  6. Peter says:

    James: I was mocking myself with that line. I used it on a famous Canadian hockey player when I was a kid. Of course, I also grabbed the startled man by the front of his suit jacket.

  7. jazz says:

    the suspense!

    what is he going to forget at the grocery store i wonder!

  8. Peter says:

    jazz: Ha! I am just hoping that by writing a bunch of installments, one will eventually be funny and/or interesting.

  9. sara says:

    I totally read Pedro’s part with an accent. Was I supposed to or am I just that much of a Mexican?

  10. The Stormin Mormon says:

    Tell me you grabbed one of Don Cherry’s internationally known gaudy suit jackets…

    I could do a series of posts about that man’s apparel.

  11. Steph says:

    Well! Giddy up. What happened next?

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