Ask My Ex ANSWERS! – Part 1 (?)

So the plan was to put up the post yesterday asking for questions for Jen, wait a week, and then give them to her.  But she got all excited and started sending me answers right away.  And, judging by the answers, maybe I shouldn’t have made the crack about her taking credit for the sunrise.  Of course she made an Arrested Development reference in an e-mail, so I forgave her.

Mostly.

You can still submit more questions over here. It’s not as if Jen has a job or a life or anything better to do than talk about me.

Here are her unedited answers.  I put in notes where necessary.

brandy:

1. How did you did you muster the strength to deal with a terror like Peter on a daily basis?

Listen, Peter is a picker. The sooner one learns that, the better. Mostly, I relied on my fabulous rack to distract him from picking on me – and the mirror. Seriously. He starts in all blah blah blah, you flash some skin and he’s all “D’uhhhhh, hi.”

2. Peter often describes himself as lovely or charming- words I usually save for rainbows or unicorns. How would you best describe Peter?

A lazy lanky lovable drink of water. Also: stubbly. Also: loyal. Very. He still hates people I haven’t talked to or thought about in eight years.

3. He’s joking about the Lauren Graham love isn’t he? I mean no one is really THAT blind to her lack of talent and general ungraceful acting presence? (The fact that you have mentioned her broad shoulders makes me love you far more than I should love someone I do not know).

Unfortunately, he is not joking. The good news is that his true love forever and ever used to be Jennifer Aniston. And after that, he would have so many of Charisma Carpenter’s babies. What’s that? This information is new to you? Haven’t heard much about them? You’re welcome. I have a no-fail trick to completely destroy his love for celebrities, which I will not reveal so as to retain supreme power. Yes, I’m one of THOSE exes. I have left him the manly Lauren Graham out of compassion. Now celebrity chicks that are in the Pete wheelhouse are getting to be too young for him, which is immensely gratifying.

[Peter note:  I asked her what this method is and she laughed at me. ]

PS I used to be deeply insecure about Alanis Morrisette because I thought he might think she is cuter than me and marry her up because she’s Canadian. Then I realized she’s a little crazy. Thank you, India.

[Peter note: Jen is much cuter than Alanis.]

Matt:

On a scale of 1-10, how lazy is Peter when it comes to doing household chores? Does he let the dishes pile up? Does he have dirty boxers stuffed under the couch cushion?

I’m sorry, I just choked a little there.

First, the good. Pete will vacuum. When pressed. But he’ll do it. Next! He will cook. For himself. Don’t try to touch his potatoes. And I don’t mean that in a sexy way. But he will do the dishes afterwards. Lastly! Peter is allergic to dust. Which is strange, since his bedroom has a thick protective coating of it.

[Peter note:  Outrageous!  In my defense, I have never loved dusting.  In fact, I’d just use the vacuum to quickly run over tables and TVs, whatever.  But now that I’ve discovered The Swiffer Duster, I don’t mind dusting.  As much.  Also, I say “Swiff!  Swiff!  Swiff!” while dusting.  Don’t judge me.]

shine:

1. Does Peter talk about himself this much in person or does the conversation ever drift to other topics?

No, he talks about his charm MORE in person, if anything. Unless sports are on. Or the A C N is there. Or if he thinks about the A C N. Or sees a picture of her. Right now he is reading this and wants to write me back, “She’s so cute, Jen.”

[Peter note: She IS so cute!]

2. Peter actually likes musicals, doesn’t he?

I haven’t been able to confirm this, but he did perform in one as a child. There are pictures! I have seen them.

3. Please share an embarrassing story about Peter.

Honestly, I can’t think of anything that would embarrass Pete except maybe showing up for his sister’s wedding in beaten-up sandals because he couldn’t find his nice shoes. Note: He only has three pairs of shoes. The cowboy boots don’t count. See also: dust.

[ Peter note: Jen has a terrible memory.  And she is prone to exaggeration.  I couldn’t find ONE of my nice shoes.  Sheesh.]

4. Do you think it’s an odd coincidence that the Spanish word for “pregnant” is so close to the English word “embarrassed”?

It’s no coincidence. It’s The Man trying to bring us down.

sid:

1) Peter has previously admitted to loving blondes because they remind him of a Crunchie wrapper. Now I would much rather remind a guy of the chocolatey goodness, that has given a man momentary pleasure than the litter he will immediately discard once he has obtained what he wants, but that’s just me. My question is … are you a blonde?

Here is Pete’s code:

Blondes: aw, so cute and little.

Brunettes: marriage material

Redheads: crazy.

No, I’m not a blonde.

[Peter note: I’d marry a blonde.]

2) How did you and Peter meet? Please take note that I’m seriously lacking romantic tales here. Seriously, the last time a guy hit on me he asked me if I was a hooker because “I looked to classy for him to afford me.” Having just said this, I urge you to make this story as romantic as possible. Embellish if you have to. Throw in a couple of magical unicorns for my benefit. Please!

I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar. That much is true. And then a magical unicorn came along and carried me to the impossibly inaccessible corner of Canada, where it snows every day and birds kill themselves by bashing their heads against plate glass windows when they become winter-crazed. And lo, a handsome prince did await me. And he said “Hey. How about you let my mom show you pictures from their cruises from the last three years while people you’ve never met yell and thump beer bottles on the table? Then maybe we watch some sports and cuddle.” That was pretty much how it went down, only with more Simpsons quotes and care packages. Oh and I once poisoned him with some shortbread cookies. Also also, lots and lots of yahoo chatting.

3) Do you own a pair of fuck-me boots?

They’re Fluevogs.  I guess if you’re into steampunk they’d get your engine going?

[Peter note: I don’t know what any of that means.]

Feel free to submit more Qs!

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23 Responses

  1. sid says:

    You poisoned him with shortbread cookies? On purpose?

    Also you’re really sold me on Nova Scotia. Sounds like an excellent place to live.

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