Are you ready to rock?

Last night, as I was getting into bed, I came to a very vivid realization…

I should be a rock star.

No, seriously.

I have a raging ego. I’m a glory whore. I have an issue with authority figures. I have a rock star’s build. I have messy rock star hair. I just want to wear jeans and t-shirts all the time. I like staying in hotels. I have no problem with people waiting on me. I am awesome at pissing away cash. And I TOTALLY think that I deserve groupies.

Then it hit me…

I AM going to be a rock star.

Granted I can’t sing at all, but really, when has talent ever played a role in such things?

So, yeah, I’m going to be a rock star. And you guys are the first to find out. Congrats.

I am starting a band. Right now. It is going to be called…

Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.

It is from an episode of the genius, and underappreciated, “NewsRadio.” True fans will refer to us as “MBDW.” You can too.

I will be the lead singer/visionary.

Even though I haven’t picked my bandmates yet – to be considered, just comment here – I’ve decided that I want us to be a large group. Six or seven members. Think Arcade Fire, but more rockish. We also will have two female members. One will be a super cute keyboardist. Very girl next doory. The other will be a dark and mysterious background singer/tambourinest.

I’ve already started writing songs for the first album, which will be called “Balls.”

Here is the track list:

1) F*ck F*cking, Let’s Make Love
2) Kramerica Inc.
3) I Don’t Recall Your Name, But The Penicillin Feels The Same
4) Butterfly Kisses
5) I Hate Butterflies
6) F*ck Making Love, Let’s F*ck.
7) I Like Your Bum (Where You From?)
8) I Hated This Song’s Title
9) Anne Hathaway of Turning Me On
10) Rhinestone Cowboy* (BONUS)

* Every one of our albums will feature a bonus track where we cover some classic song. And this Glen Campbell song rules. Don’t argue with me.

*Tangent warning*

The year Glen Campbell’s “Wichita Lineman” was released, my father became a lineman. If Mr. Campbell had written a song called “Real Estate Tycoon” or “Violent Dictator of a Small Island Nation,” I could be typing this to you on a much bigger computer. Possibly completely surrounded by ivory backscratchers.

*End tanget warning*

Wow. I just used a lot of asterisks.

Anyway, here is the cover for “Balls.” (Please note: no balls were harmed in the photographing of this cover.)

And here is our first official t-shirt:

Sexy, no? Feel free to order one.

I assume that our downfall will be a love triangle between myself and the two chicas in the band. Which will, of course, wreck my marriage to Anne Hathaway. But, before that we’ll have quite a ride.

Platinum records. Sold out concerts. Weird Al will parody one of our songs. It’ll be glorious.

And you can say that you were here for the very start of it all.


0 thoughts on “Are you ready to rock?

  1. I’m sold. I used to play guitar and I could pick it up again. And lead guitar is next best thing to lead singer, right? So, uh, can I be the lead guitarist?

  2. james: You are in, man. You may have to have a little problem with heroin at some point. But, don’t sweat it. You eventually kick it and make a triumphant return to the band.

  3. Can I be the young, aspiring rock ‘n’ roll journalist, following the band around and recording the chronicles and exploits for Rolling Stone?

    And perhaps get a little business on with Kate Hudson?

    That would be sweet.

  4. Ya man! I wanna be head of security! I’ll screen the groupies for the guys and keep the groupies away from the female members so the love triangle can manifest!

  5. Hmmm…sounds like you need a manager/ agent to be in the power seat. Sounds like a sleazy position that would be right up my alley. B/c if there’s one thing I know…

  6. Damn. All I know how to play is the stinking violin. That so won’t fit in a rockin band like MBDW. I’ll just have to worship you from afar.

  7. I’m hoping having balls isn’t a requirement to participate in the album as I don’t really have balls per say, but in my mind, I do. Do mental balls count?

    Please say yes.

  8. So many of you have such good ideas. Kudos.

    I see how each of you could play a role in scoring me groupies.


    Bloggers should have groupies. Hmmmm that feels like a post waiting to happen.

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