Last night, as I was getting into bed, I came to a very vivid realization…
I should be a rock star.
I have a raging ego. I’m a glory whore. I have an issue with authority figures. I have a rock star’s build. I have messy rock star hair. I just want to wear jeans and t-shirts all the time. I like staying in hotels. I have no problem with people waiting on me. I am awesome at pissing away cash. And I TOTALLY think that I deserve groupies.
Then it hit me…
I AM going to be a rock star.
Granted I can’t sing at all, but really, when has talent ever played a role in such things?
So, yeah, I’m going to be a rock star. And you guys are the first to find out. Congrats.
I am starting a band. Right now. It is going to be called…
Macho Business Donkey Wrestler.
It is from an episode of the genius, and underappreciated, “NewsRadio.” True fans will refer to us as “MBDW.” You can too.
I will be the lead singer/visionary.
Even though I haven’t picked my bandmates yet – to be considered, just comment here – I’ve decided that I want us to be a large group. Six or seven members. Think Arcade Fire, but more rockish. We also will have two female members. One will be a super cute keyboardist. Very girl next doory. The other will be a dark and mysterious background singer/tambourinest.
I’ve already started writing songs for the first album, which will be called “Balls.”
Here is the track list:
1) F*ck F*cking, Let’s Make Love
2) Kramerica Inc.
3) I Don’t Recall Your Name, But The Penicillin Feels The Same
4) Butterfly Kisses
5) I Hate Butterflies
6) F*ck Making Love, Let’s F*ck.
7) I Like Your Bum (Where You From?)
8) I Hated This Song’s Title
9) Anne Hathaway of Turning Me On
10) Rhinestone Cowboy* (BONUS)
* Every one of our albums will feature a bonus track where we cover some classic song. And this Glen Campbell song rules. Don’t argue with me.
The year Glen Campbell’s “Wichita Lineman” was released, my father became a lineman. If Mr. Campbell had written a song called “Real Estate Tycoon” or “Violent Dictator of a Small Island Nation,” I could be typing this to you on a much bigger computer. Possibly completely surrounded by ivory backscratchers.
*End tanget warning*
Wow. I just used a lot of asterisks.
Anyway, here is the cover for “Balls.” (Please note: no balls were harmed in the photographing of this cover.)
Sexy, no? Feel free to order one.
I assume that our downfall will be a love triangle between myself and the two chicas in the band. Which will, of course, wreck my marriage to Anne Hathaway. But, before that we’ll have quite a ride.
Platinum records. Sold out concerts. Weird Al will parody one of our songs. It’ll be glorious.
And you can say that you were here for the very start of it all.