Another snippet from something else…

Brandon and Melissa haven’t been dating for very long. Let’s say… three months. She is having some serious health issues. The treatment she is undergoing is causing some stomach…. yuckies. And she is pretty miserable, and stressed, in general.

Melissa is sleeping in the bed. Brandon is sleeping on the floor next to the bed.

It is pretty late. The apartment is very silent.

Melissa has a release of flatulence, with a sheer intensity that you usually only read about in books.

Melissa (frantic whisper): Tell me that you are asleep.

Brandon: I’m asleep.

Melissa: Oh God! OH GOD! You didn’t hear that!

Brandon: I didn’t hear anything.

Melissa: Why?? Why did you have to hear that?

He gets up and kisses her on the forehead.

Brandon: I didn’t hear anything.

Melissa (getting hysterical): I know that you’ve held my hair while I puked, but–

He kisses her forehead again.

Brandon: I didn’t hear anything.

Melissa (crying): You’ll never see me as a woman again.

He kisses her forehead again.

Brandon: I didn’t hear anything.

Melissa: Oh God! I am hyper… ventilating!

He kisses her forehead again.

Brandon: I didn’t hear anything.

Melissa (calming a little): OK. OK. I’m going to be OK. You didn’t hear anything?

Brandon: I didn’t hear anything.

Melissa: We can go to sleep now.

Brandon gets comfy again on the floor.

Melissa (wiping tears from her eyes): That really was kind of loud.

Brandon: It set off a car alarm three blocks away.

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  1. STP says:

    This is just one of many embarrassing moments from my life.

  2. Slightly Disorganized says:

    Yeah, not going to lie…I’m a sleep farter. Which of course you don’t know about until your significant other (at the time) tells you. Luckily I’m not loud enough to wake myself up. It’s mildly embarassing but at least I know I can’t help it.

  3. molly says:

    Hilarious. I woke myself up one, just once I swear–only to find Michael laughing at me.

  4. Kara B says:

    What kind of books are you reading? Must be a boy book. Girls books don’t discuss farts in depth.

  5. Paige Jennifer says:

    Oh for the love of GOD – that was brilliant and just the giggle I needed on a pre-holiday-weekend Friday. I’m mean, no that I can relate (cough cough).

  6. sybil law says:


  7. Airam says:

    I want Brandon for my boyfriend.

  8. Jurgen Nation says:

    The worst ones are the ones you can’t hear. I have a formidable intestinal issue. When you wake yourself up as well as the person sleeping next to you? That’s bad. I would say that that would be time to go to a doctor, but I have been. No dice.

    I love Brandon.

  9. DrunkBrunch says:

    Oh lord, I did this once in my sleep in front of a boyfriend.

    Its, uh, percussive sound jolted me awake and I was completely startled. He never let me live it down, often telling the story at family dinners.

  10. ~Tim says:

    I hope Melissa realizes that Brandon is a keeper!

    I once farted while my dog was lying next to me and she got up and moved across the room….

  11. Michael says:

    Dang, change the names and it could a scene from our bedroom.


  12. Janet says:

    How tender! How romantic!

  13. Eve says:

    I know this is made up, because in real life, she would have tried to blame it on him.

  14. Caitlyn says:

    Oh my god, how cute is that? I love that he kissed her forehead.

    The only problem with this is that girls don’t fart.

  15. Lauren says:

    Adorable. But guys are never that nice.

  16. Kate says:

    why is he sleeping on the floor?

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