ANOTHER open letter to my future wife…

Hi, chica.

That’s a lovely shirt. The colour looks GREAT on you.

So, yeah, confession time again. I’ve got some hang-ups, sweetie.

Many of which I am trying to deal with, you know, so that they won’t be issues in the future. For you. That’s just the kind of future husband that I am.

Some of these hang-ups are just too strange and specific to even mention. We’ll let them be surprises.

But, I’ll give you this one. ‘Cause you’re nice. I’m assuming.

First, a little back story… (This IS my blog after all.)

You know how you sometimes develop a crush on a TV character?

You do know, right? Tell me it’s not just me.

Please.

Anyway.

I have a little crush on the Donna Moss character on “The West Wing.”

She has the girl next door thing going. She represents doing the right thing and for the right reasons. She is always hopeful. She’s loyal. She’s smart. She’s saucy. And when she shows up in a scene, it just makes the scene… better. She has a glow. A presence.

Like any other TV addict, I can’t really tell the difference between actors and their roles…

I should actually touch on the TV addiction for a moment. Here’s the thing, I am not going to want to talk to you while watching TV.

At all.

Not a word. I’m a little OCD about dialogue. I’ll even rewind a show to make sure I don’t miss anything. The way I see it is that writers worked hard picking the exact right words, so we should pay attention to them.

On the plus side, if there is anything you need massaged while I am watching TV, just put it under my hands. Back, feet, head, whatever.

And I will talk all you want before or after the show. I’ll even pause it for you, if there is something you want to discuss immediately. Even though I might grrrr a little about it. Literally. It is best to use the “Sweetie… shut up and pause your show for a minute” maneuver. Do not reach for the remote. It’s like getting between a mama bear and her cub.

Plus, unlike 99.9% of the male population, I’ll realize that sometimes you just want to vent about what’s going on and that you don’t require me to try to fix it.

See? I’m more than just poor fashion choices, obsessive TV watching and strange, not yet revealed hang-ups.

Where were we?

Oh yes…

Like any other TV addict, I can’t really tell the difference between actors and their roles. So, when they show up on different shows, or in movies, I have a hard time adjusting.

However, I was very excited last week when Donna Moss (or Janel Moloney) showed up briefly in the final scene of “Brotherhood.”

So, I was more amped than usual to watch this week’s episode. And I didn’t have to wait long to see her. Within seconds there she was.

And there she was naked and having… *whispers* s-e-x.

I never saw Donna Moss do THAT on “The West Wing.”

And this is where the hang-up came in.

You are probably thinking, “What? A good girl can’t have sex? Does it destroy your image? You are such a prude, DeWolf!”

That’s not my hang-up. At all. And you have a bit of an attitude. Why are we getting married?

I am a proponent of nice girls throwing down in the boudoir.

While it was a bit “Oh my…” seeing an actress you’ve watched for years suddenly appear naked, she could have been having sex with a goat for all I cared. And not one of those sexy goats. It could have a beer gut and hardly be able to complete a full “baaaaah” without breaking out into a smokers cough.

You know the type?

After all the sex — and after she wore the shit out of a wife beater! — she peed.

In front of dude.

AND WITH ME WATCHING.

And there’s my problem.

I know, I know. It’s a normal, natural bodily function.

I just don’t want to see it.

The only thing I remember from LEAVING LAS VEGAS is Elisabeth Shue peeing. (And Nic Cage drinking like he could be from one of the branches of my family tree.)

I’m nuts. I know! Lame right?

It’s not even one of those charming quirks where you can say something like, “Awww Peter is trying to wear Pumas to our wedding.” Or “Peter is wearing my underwear and installing a trapeze above the bed. How cute!”

I will hold your hair while you puke. Clean up after you get sick. Take care of you while you are fluish and yet…

I’m going to need you to lock the door when you pee.

Actually, would you be amenable to separate bathrooms all together?

We have to fight… We have to fight to keep the mystery alive.

Also, where are we on those Pumas? Total deal breaker? Black would match the tux. I’m just sayin’.

Love,
Peter

– ps I also have a HUGE crush on Emily Procter’s character on “The West Wing.” I don’t have to tell you that it made Season 2 awwwwkward.

– pps I am typing this up in g-mail as a draft e-mail. And g-mail is showing me ads for things with names like “Get Your Ex-Wife Back.” Clearly Google knows waaaay too much about me.

 
 
 
 

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photo credit: HC Seidelin via photopin cc

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No Responses

  1. Miriam says:

    I let my husband wear skater shoes in our wedding :) Just saying.

    And CH, it seems that you take issue to any function below a woman’s belt that isn’t sexual in nature. Hmm…

  2. Clink says:

    I refuse to cross the peeing line. Or the farting line for that matter.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I always want M to find me sexy. Peeing? In front of him? NOT SEXY.

    (Also: praise the lord, there’s a guy who realizes that VENTING is just VENTING and not a cue for you to FIX THINGS.)

  3. Peter says:

    miriam: I’m a romantic like that.

    clink: YES. Peeing ISN’T sexy. I am glad that it isn’t just me (and Marshall and Lilly) that feels that way.

  4. Airam says:

    Peter you will make a wonderful husband. You knew straight away to refer to you wife with an endearing term AND you knw to compliment your wife before you went into your rant.

    Well done.

    Little paragraphs rock.

  5. sybil law says:

    I think separate bathrooms for the sexes is the best situation possible.
    Although, you are weird. Really. You are.
    But weird in an okay sort of way.
    How would you feel if your future wife didn’t talk to YOU while your shows were on but talked within audible distance to her friends on the phone?
    My husband will do that and sometimes I feel like murdering him! But I won’t, of course. :)

  6. 123Valerie says:

    Comfortable shoes seem reasonable for such a big day. Would you have issues if I wanted to wear Pumas, too?

    I’m a stickler for this, too, but it’s turbo-charged at the theater. I don’t even like for people to talk to me during the previews. Let me eat my Jujubees in peace.

  7. Peter says:

    airam: Rant? I prefer to see it as a slightly meandering (and poorly written) expression of my feelings on the issue.

    sybil law: Weird? Me? And I think I would handle that situation the same as anyone else…

    I would divorce her ass and take a meat tenderizer to her phone.

    123valerie: Future wife HAS to wear super sexy shoes for the wedding. Come on.

  8. molly says:

    I don’t digging the peeing thing. And sometimes he’ll do it while I’m brushing my teeth and it irks me.

    We have to maintain some type of image!

  9. CamiKaos says:

    MY tv, and I do mean MY tv is in the bedroom, with my dvr. If my darling husband who I adore comes in while I am watching tv I pause the show. If he wishes to watch tv with me he must get settled in and promise not to talk unless he asks me to pause. He has learned to live with that.

    As for comfy shoes at the wedding… mine wore some very nice and fancy dress shoes, while I wore huge black comfy boots.

    Between my comfy shoes and the good tv behavior and the understanding that bodily waste is yuck… we have a great marriage.

  10. Princess of the Universe says:

    Honey, I’m totally amenable to separate bathrooms. There wouldn’t be enough counter space for your stuff anyhow…

  11. A Lover and a Fighter says:

    i have lost track. is this still your first wife? or did things not work out so well with her after you kept asking her to pick out your clothes?

  12. Peter says:

    molly: Exactly. See, you get it!

    camikaos: You make him PROMISE not to talk? Well played.

    princess: What excludes you from the running is that you are already a princess. I prefer to find women who are fighting their inner princess, and then ruin them completely by enabling diva-like behaviour.

    al&af: We are going to assume that it is the same wife. This will very likely surprise you, but I tend to grow on a lass. In an annoying way.

  13. A Lover and a Fighter says:

    I only say that because wasn’t your last post addressed to your future first wife? just checking. i plan on marrying several times my own self.

  14. Peter says:

    al&af: Oh that's true. Hmmm. You know, it seems almost mean to subject multiple women to the glory that is me. Not to mention a lot of work in getting them used to me.

    That being said, I genuinely expected that I would have been married and divorced at least a couple of times by now.

  15. Slightly Disorganized says:

    this is along the same lines at the baby being born grossness post. We must respect the dignity of the lady parts as things used for sex only.

    not for peeing, pooing, or giving birth.

    Mystery, boys, MYSTERY.

  16. canadian sadie says:

    I think I’m in love with you. I’m just sayin’.

    Now shush…I’m watching my DVD of season 3 and I NEED to hear what Toby has to say for the umpteenth time.

  17. jamelah says:

    I’m probably never getting married, but if I ever do, I’m going to keep this separate bathrooms thing in mind. It’s a brilliant idea. And not just because of the peeing thing, but because it really bothers me when other people use my shampoo. And when you’re sharing a bathroom, shampoo-theft is a definite risk. I’d like to cut down on this risk as much as possible. I just can’t deal with men who have better hair than me.

    I think I’m about to go off on a really long digression, so I’ll just stop now.

  18. Princess of the Universe says:

    I feel totally rejected now.
    I need to find some chocolate.

  19. Peter says:

    slightly: Exactly. Mystery.

    sadie: I bet that if someone asks Toby a question, he’ll pause for 4 seconds, look down, then back at them and say, “Yeah” like they are a moron and he’s a little gassy. (Man, that’s an awkward sentence.)

    jamelah: I have never met anyone that felt that strongly about shampoo before. Though now I have a Kinds in the Hall line stuck in my head. “I… dropped my shamPOO.”

    princess: That is just further proof. Future Wife would let/make me get the chocolate.

  20. Peter says:

    KIDS in the Hall.

  21. crackfire says:

    When are you writing open letters to lil Petes :P
    And yea I am with you on the Peeing part just awkward, I think they had a similar episode in How I met your Mother.

  22. mindy says:

    Google ads scare me. It’s almost like Google knows what I want even before I do.

  23. Sean says:

    thank god for tivo and the ability to pause live t.v.

  24. Stefanie says:

    That thing about realizing we just need to vent and don’t require you to fix it? Yeah, could you do us a favor and teach that to the other 99.9% of males? That’d be great; thanks.

    Also, I am a definite proponent of separate bathrooms… and comfortable shoes. I see no problem with either.

  25. srah says:

    I thought it *did* end up being sexy for Marshall and Lily. I wonder if they just went on peeing in front of each other, or if they were like “Well, there’s a first. Now let’s go back to not peeing in front of each other.”

    There are doors on bathrooms for a reason.

  1. November 9, 2009

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