An Open Letter to My Future (First) Wife…

Dear Future Wife,

Hi. How are you? You are looking well today. Hair all shiny-like.

So, you are the last woman standing, eh? Good for you!

However, there is something that I feel I should warn you about…

You are going to have to dress me.

Not literally. But, you proooobably should be in charge of picking out my clothes.

Since I find good fashion sense so sexy in a woman (I know, I know…) I am going to assume that you have it.

But, I also hope that I had the forethought to end up with someone patient.

VERY patient.

The kind of person that would say, “That Mother Theresa was a bit of a hot head, right?”

Future Wife — Can I call you Future Wife? — I only own one pair of shoes that can’t be used to play a sport. And they are old and shitty.

It’s a bad scene, lady.

Left to my own devices, I am going to rock jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap. Every chance I get.

Remember when we first met and you asked why I was still single?

Yeah.

Despite all of this, I’ll be more than willing to offer up my input on your fashion choices AND expect you to at least listen.

Remember what I said about patience?

You could choose to see me as a blank canvas?

Maybe?

Even when you are sweet enough to pick out clothes for me, I am fairly like to fight you on it. At least initially. And my complaints may be oddly specific and obscure.

“I’m going to look like Guy Smiley in that shit!”

Sure, pummeling me is an option at that point. However, the best way to handle it is with a…

“Sweetie… You are a boy. You don’t know anything about fashion. Now shut up and try it on.”

This will make sense to me. “Hmm. True enough. OK!”

It should be noted that the “Sweetie… shut up” move should be a frequently used arrow from your quiver of dealing with Peter.

When I do try on your outfit I’ll probably love it. “I’m… GORGEOUS!” I’ll even admit that I was wrong to fight you on it.

Sometimes.

An ex — who had grown tired of my many old (originally) white t-shirts — ended up buying me a whole mess of clothes one Christmas. She even “taught” me how to wear them.

“You can wear this with this. Or this. OR even this with this AND this!”

There was talk of “layers.” My eyes glazed over. It’s not like I don’t recognize the difference between what looks good and what doesn’t… I just don’t give much of a shit. She was very excited though.

“You look SOOOO good.”

And then she hugged me for ten minutes.

Me: “Uhm… What’s the deal here?”

Her: “I… just want to remember this moment.”

She’s long gone now, but the nice clothes still remain.

And when my jeans and old t-shirts are dirty, I sometimes even consider wearing them

I thought it was only fair to warn you about this, Future Wife. Though I do make up for it in other ways.

I think.

Godspeed.

Love,
Peter

– ps How’s about you skip the blog posts about how much sports I watch? We have to let some stuff be a surprise, right?

 

 
 

 

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photo credit: fernando neves via photopin cc

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32 Responses

  1. Miriam says:

    Dressing my husband is a day to day struggle. I recently had to get him some new shirts and when I got home he looked at them and said “why didn’t you get me a black shirt?” Gee, honey I don’t know, maybe b/c every other shirt you own is black and that’s one of the reasons you needed new shirts?

    You boys really don’t have a clue do you?

  2. Jenny says:

    Well I’m sure you will just make up for it by giving her endless compliments!

  3. Peter says:

    miriam: I prefer to think of myself as indifferent moreso than clueless. But, to be honest, that’s probably just to make myself feel better.

    jenny: My that was a lovely comment… Oh. I see what you mean.

  4. 123Valerie says:

    I think you should more concerned with your future wife undressing you, PDW.

    Hey-o!

  5. skinny says:

    hmm… i thought if you are with a lady with good taste in clothes and being with her every day, you’d be less “indifferent”. if she is really the one, you would want to dress nice yourself natually.

    and … one can never watch too much sports.

  6. Peter says:

    123valerie: From talking to married people, that IS a concern.

    skinny: Now, I see it differently. If she is “the one,” then we’ll both realize that in every couple, each person has their own strengths and weaknesses. And ideally they’ll compliment each other. She’ll want to dress me and I’ll… kill spiders and reach things on top shelves?

  7. Paige Jennifer says:

    I remember an Ex stepping out in swishy shorts, a gray T and running sneakers and saying he was ready to go. To dinner. At a four star restaurant.

    I was subtle. I was firm. I got him to dress with style and without polyester.

    But eventually, a few months after we broke up, I realized I’d gone and created a monster or perhaps more aptly noted – I created a fucking girl. I knew my success was mere failure when he emailed me a link for $200 Armani jeans he just HAD to have.

  8. jamelah says:

    I sort of think lack of fashion sense is endearing. Sort of. And really, it’s the ones who THINK they can dress themselves (and I am standing next to them in line at the movies while they are wearing four different shades of green together like they match — they don’t — and possibly also gold jewelry, pretending this is fine) that are really the problem.

  9. kelsi says:

    what if you end up marrying someone who likes you just the way you are? and doesn’t mind your wardrobe? wouldn’t that be a mindfuck after all this foresight and planning?

  10. Peter says:

    paige jennifer: Ha! I don’t think you’ll ever hear me say that I “had to have” any article of clothing. A woman? Possibly. A gadget of some sort? Absolutely!

    jamelah: It’s the “sort of” that stung. *sniffle*

    kelsi: That all seems way too sensible, and thus not something I am likely to do.

  11. molly says:

    Michael would wear a navy blue t-shirt every single day if I let him. And sometimes I do.

    Because future wife #1 is going to love you just as much in your t-shirts as she does in dress clothes.

    But, um…stock up on some new ones, will you? Formally white is so last season.

  12. david mcmahon says:

    Came here from Burt’s Mustache. Love the wry humour here – and I’m agree a bloke can never have too many white T-shirts!

  13. lfar says:

    Well Peter this just confirms that we would never work out. We’d both stand looking at the closet for 15 minutes before putting yesterday’s jeans back on. Then I’d say “Peter, have you seen my soccer cleats?” and you’d say “I had to dress nicely for something, and they were the only black footwear in the house.” Then we’d get a divorce and each marry somebody more fashionable. It’d be great!

  14. Peter says:

    molly: Future Wife #1 (and you) sounds awesome. At this rate, I might just keep her!

    david: Thanks for dropping in! It is pretty hard to beat a classic white T, right? I just have to learn to throw them out once the collar becomes 95% detached from the rest of the shirt. It’s a journey…

    lisa: Ha! Oh man… the soccer cleats thing sounds waaaay too plausible.

  15. Ashley says:

    Haha my ex was hopeless when it comes to clothes. He STILL needs my assistance in picking out clothes (granted its a lot of picture txts and emails instead of me having to go shopping with him THANK GOD because he always went straight for the “i’m 90 and wear diapers” section. He’s gotten MUCH better) but its gotten less and less and he actually has learned a few things.

    Oh and peter? Its called a washing machine for a reason :-)

  16. Epic says:

    I’m going to laugh really hard when you find the ONE GIRL who is as fashionably clueless as you. If such a girl exists.

  17. Amber says:

    I’d be more likely to smear some black paint under your eyes and say, “come on! Let’s get to the football game because guess who has ticketssssss”?

    Then the jeans are okay for you AND me.

    See how that works?

  18. A Lover and a Fighter says:

    i think expecting your wife to dress you is a lot of pressure. i’d run away from that responsibility.

  19. Niki Nielsen says:

    The only thing you have to tell your future wife has to do with clothing? By the way, I would probably leave out the part about your ex.

  20. Peter says:

    ashley: Some of these t-shirts are so old that only a blow torch can fix them at this point. :)

    epic: I’ll probably just realize how cute a girl is in sweats with a ponytail and be fine with it.

    amber: I see your point… Though I kind of like the idea of a woman wanting to dress me up. Not sure why. I may be nuts.

    al&af: It never would have worked anyway. I know too much about redheads.

    niki: Oh, I could tell her lots of things. But, I still want her to marry me, ;)

  21. mindy says:

    Peter, I am a little sad that the thing you most want to discuss with your future wife is fashion.

    Does that make you question whether it’s a wife you want at all?

    Think about it.

  22. Peter says:

    mindy: Fear not. My next open letter to her will be about what I expect HER to wear.

    Two words: Wonder Woman costume.

  23. Stefanie says:

    So what you’re saying is… Garanimals would be a good idea for you.

    (Wait. Did they have Garanimals in Canada?)

  24. HRC says:

    are you going to tell her the first thing you do to the neckline of a new shirt?

  25. Peter says:

    stefanie: Hmmmm. We might have them. But, I have no idea what they are.

    hrc: You know too much! Fiiiiiine…

    Hey, Future Wife,

    It’s me again!

    Because I HATE the feeling of anything around my neck (collars, ties, etc.) I will occasionally (always) put on a new t-shirt and grab the collar and give it a little (big) stretch.

    It’s part of my charm?

    Love,
    Peter

  26. mindy says:

    Two words: Wonder Woman costume.

    You might also want to have her help you with your counting.

  27. Peter says:

    mindy: I was trying to make a funny.

    Not trying hard enough, apparently.

  28. Shrink Wrapped Scream says:

    I’ve always dressed hubby (bless him) – it comes with the marriage vows. Lovely post, it sure made me smile.

  29. Colleen says:

    I actually AM wonder woman. But you can call me Linda. HAHAHA! Hilarious post.

  30. Rachel says:

    My husband fell in love with me because I was the first girlfriend who DIDN’T try to dress him. And we all know if a girl will try to dress a guy then she is an incurable optimist and may try to change other things. “oh the game? I wanted to watch Oprah—hint, hint, hint)

  31. ~**Dawn**~ says:

    Linked over here from David’s blog.

    Just wanted to say your post made me smile. I don’t know many guys who will admit they don’t know how to dress. Most can’t but think they can. To be open to guidance in this area is commendable.

    I have one question though: Are you implying that there is a limit on how much sports-viewing is acceptable? Because I die a small death from early February until April with MLB & NFL are both in the off-season. I think I watch more ESPN that most of the guys I know. I'd probably have my woman card revoked at this point if it weren't for the fact that I manage to do this while *not* being a tomboy at all *and* being able to cook.

  1. November 9, 2009

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