An open letter to Jennifer Aniston…

Dear Jen Jen,

How are you?

You are looking well.

It pains me to write this letter. But, I have something embarassing to admit…

Over the holidays, I happened to rent THE BREAK-UP on DVD. I hadn’t seen it in theatres, and was really looking forward to it. (And I enjoyed it, other than wanting to feed you some cheeseburgers after seeing your naked bum.)

So, I popped the disc in my player and took a seat in a nice comfy chair. I hit the “menu” button on one of my fifteen remote controls and a screen appeared on my TV.

I had to decide between “His side” and “Her side.”

Then, for some inexplicable reason, and despite everything that you and I have been through, I picked “His side.”

I know, I know.

I’ve been chalking it up to some rush of male solidarity. But, that isn’t helping me sleep at night.

I feel guilty, Jen.

I’m guessing that “His side” and “Her side” both lead to the same menu screen, but still…

I’ve been doing some thinking about why this would bother me so much. And, quite frankly, I think it’s because I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level.

Hear me out…

I’ve been a fan for a long time. And not like one of those creepy dudes that recorded that episode from the third last season, when you were having your first night out on the town after having the baby, and then paused the playback on a shot of that phenomenal cleavage-baring dress.

Uhm, for example.

Here’s the thing…

You are single. I am single. Let’s be single together.

Or something.

Just FYI, I am the same height as Vince Vaughan. We have similar hairlines. But, I’m a bit younger and svelter.

And me and Brad Pitt… are both carbon-based life forms.

Oh, so I’m not a big star? You are going to let that come between us?

Well, you dated the dude from Counting Crows. I like “Anna Begins” as much as the next guy, but that Sideshow Bob-looking sonofabitch ain’t pretty.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.

I’m just a little amped up, you know?

I really think that we could be good together and —

Unless I’m not famous enough for you.

Is that how it’s going to be?

Well, which one of us has a blog that pulled in visitors from Genk, Belgium and Semnan, Iran yesterday? Was it you, Miss Movie & TV Star? Hmm? What? Didn’t think so.


I don’t know why that keeps happening.

Personally, I think that I kick a tonne of ass as a boyfriend.

But, maybe you think you could do better?

Who in the hell do you think you are?

You are pretty uppity for someone that made a movie with Jay Mohr.

Thaaaaaat’s right. I said it.

You know… I really don’t think this is going to work.

We gave it a good try.

But, we are just very different people.

I think that we should call it quits now, while we are still friends.

You know?

Still, if I could do it all over again, I would certainly have taken “Her side” when watching the DVD.

Especially when I realized that “his side” was mostly about getting a friggin’ pool table.

Take care of yourself,

0 thoughts on “An open letter to Jennifer Aniston…

  1. I sense this whole “his side” over “her side” had something to do with your thoughts on her naked bum.
    You know that naked bum probably was a body double.

  2. amy: I hope it was a bum double.

    eve: Sadly they only let me pick a side BEFORE all the facts were in. You know, the more I think about the movie, the less I like it.

  3. Well, at least by holding the entire discussion by yourself you’ve saved Jen from yet another horrible breakup when you should someday find yourself faced with the prospect of dating Lauren Graham, right?

  4. james: Very good point. I wouldn’t have dumped her for Angelina jolie, but Lauren Graham is a whole ‘nother kettle of sexy fish. (Possibly karp.)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *