(We got slack on answering the sex/romance questions. We still owe one to Emmz too!)
alexa: “my question for both of you. what type of man should i date? yes, it’s all about me.”
Peter: I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Here is what I know about you from your blog and from what you’ve told me:
– You’re Greek.
– You’re a social butterfly.
– Women from Ohio are awesome. (Actually I have to take your word for this, since you are the only one I “know.” Oh and your girl Muffin seems great too. I am basing that on her telling you that I’m funny. Really that’s all it takes for me to like someone.)
In my expert dating opinion you need to date a guy who is…
– mellow and laidback, but very confident
– able and willing to go out with you every night, but doesn’t need the spotlight on him
– a demon in the sack (we all need that, right?)
– understands big, close-knit families
– can give you a (figurative) kick in the butt when necessary
– not going to let your pickiness in men drive him away
– deeply in love with Cleveland
– will get you to stop smoking.
brandy: Peter, nice attempt but could we BE any more vague? You basically narrowed down Alexa’s options to roughly 18 million dudes in America (I made that up, I don’t know, twitter is broken right now and I’m having a hard time concentrating). Alexa, here’s who you need:
– You need to date someone named Liam. Or Brad. Or Jake. Ohhh or Ben. Any dude with those names is going to be a good guy. Don’t date someone named Preston- you will only regret it.
– Date a dude who has a few striped shirts in his closet. Horizontal, not vertical. I know some girls get all freaked out at the idea of wearing horizontal stripes (blame Cosmo’s “awesome” fashion advice), but I’ve never met a dude who wore a horizontal striped shirt that was boring. Of course if he’s wearing it with a hat on backwards while playing beer pong, put him in the discard pile.
– Find a guy who is good at ping pong. And tongue twisters. If he can tell you how many pickled peppers Peter Piper picked, more than once without screwing up? Go for the second date. If he can wrap his tongue around reciting that tongue twister a dozen times without messing up? Marry him. [Peter note: I think brandy is being a perv right here!] If he can recite the tongue twister shirtless while scrubbing his laundry on his washboard abs? Put him gently in a box and send him to Canada for me.
– He doesn’t have to wear glasses but extra points if he does. Glasses are a face accessory (some might argue that they can be ‘essential’, I would tell those people to “hush”), so if he shows the want to accessorize his face, chances are he’s going to be hip and awesome. (Two qualities an Alexa man needs).
And when you find this dude (because you will), make sure I’m invited to the wedding.
Peter: Alexa, with this information I suspect you’ll have no trouble finding the right man for you. I mean, we can’t come down and hold your hand. Especially not me, as I wear glasses and striped shirts. I’d Canuck-block you.
That was funnier in my head.