2nd favourite: "Wanna go upstairs and fool around?"

The funniest pick-up line I’ve ever heard some drunk dude use at a party is:

“I’ve got a blanket and a big back seat.”

That amused me.

However, I found it considerably less amusing that he mentioned it to my sister.

I am not a pick-up line guy. Or a line guy. Fiiiiine. Or even a pick-up guy, if you must know. Jerks.

Mostly I just kind of hang back and “act” like Snarky Q. McSarcasmo.

Then there is the very rare appearance of Sincere J. O’Verlyhonest.

Sincere J. O’Verlyhonest says whatever pops into his head. He might say something like, “Wow. You’re kinda gorgeous” without thinking about how the person might feel about this news, or the setting, or any potential good or bad results.

I don’t let him out very often.

Snarky Q. McSarcasmo is always around. But, I have been trying to train him to be less of a jerkface. He almost never goes on ten minute rants any more when someone asks him if he likes “Family Guy.”

It’s a journey.

An old story that sums up Snarky pretty well, took place in university. I was out at a bar with a friend of mine that was visiting from out of town. I was dancing with a girl. She was cool. Saucy. Very, very pretty. Things were going surprisingly well.

Then she mentioned that she had just graduated from a rival university. Snarky bit his (my?) tongue.

But, then she said something else about her school. Something that just BEGGED to be commented on.

Everything stopped. Everyone was frozen. It was silent.

Suddenly Angel Snarky and Devil Snarky appeared on each of my shoulders.

Angel Snarky: Peter, look at her. She’s stunning.

Devil Snarky: You HAVE to say it.

Angel Snarky: She seems very nice too.

Devil Snarky: You’ll never forgive yourself for missing the chance.

Angel Snarky: You are better than this.

Devil Snarky: You’re twenty. You’re not going to marry this chick. Besides, you are going to LOVE telling this story to your friends.

Angel Snarky: Fuck it. Dude’s right. Give ‘er shit.

So, I said it. And she turned and left.

I immediately told my friend and we laughed like fools.

And then I grabbed a slice of pizza and walked home alone.

I have to be honest though. If I would have known I’d have a blog at some point, I wouldn’t have even delayed saying it for as long as I did.

It really is a journey.

**********

Do YOU have a go-to line?

I once used “I like your nose.” (Successfully!!!)

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  1. mindy says:

    My favorite line that’s ever been used on me (because I don’t use lines personally) was this:

    “Baby, I have more money than you’d know what to do with.”

    MmmmHmmm. My response?

    “First of all, I HIGHLY doubt that – I am really good at spending money. Secondly: wrong girl.”

    Then I said something cool like “peace out!” or something like that.

  2. Deutlich says:

    i went to VA Tech and the rivalry between us and WV or UVA are freaking BIG ASS DEALS.

    I always take great pleasure in quipping one way or the other at the rivals. Although, lately? It’s been a smidge harder because people were so great to us after the shootings @ Tech.

    But I still reserve the right to make fun of the West VA Mountaineers. Always and forever.

  3. JenBun says:

    I love Snarky Q. MacSarcasmo!

    This story would have been better if you had told us what you said to that girl. But maybe we wouldn’t have gotten it. Because it was probably about Canada.

    Girls don’t always have to have “go to” lines (besides “I’m a girl!”), but I’ve always liked the story of the time some guy with an obvious mental disability (and I’m not being sarcastic or anything by saying that) came up to me and said “It hurt, huh?” And I was like, “Uh, what?” And he said, “Haha, you fell!” and then laughed for like 20 minutes. I’m still pretty sure he was trying to use the ol’ “fell from heaven” line. Best. Delivery. Ever!!! Like Brick from 40-Year-Old Virgin and his pants party! =)

  4. Girl With Curious Hair says:

    You complimented a girl’s nose? She obviously wasn’t Persian.

  5. Peter says:

    mindy: I would have went with “rock on,” but “peace out” is equally as amusing to me.

    deutlich: Do you mock them for not being to hold onto their coaches in, like, ANY sports?

    jenbun: What I said was very specific to the local area. But, it was too perfect to pass up. I stand by the decision.

    girl with curious hair: Half Italian, if memory serves.

  6. Max says:

    Some guy said to me once, hey, you’re pretty hot. My truck is parked nearby, you want to go F*%#?

    Tempting, I say, but I politely declined. First, only, time I’ve been speechless.

  7. kimberlie says:

    haha, i once had a guy say to me:

    ‘Nice legs-what time do they open?’

    Such a bad, bad thing to say!!

  8. Jack says:

    I’m with ya, Peter. It is so much cooler to hang back and make snarky comments about everyone and everything.

    Best I’ve heard is Shakespeare quoted to a girl IN A CLUB. Yikes.

  9. Maggie says:

    My best friend’s brother always used to want to call me “Marge” for some reason. I hate it. I think Marge should be reserved for very large women who drive trucks. So when I wouldn’t let him call me Marge, he asked to nickname me after the first thing his very drunk eyes landed on. Parsley.

    Later he *seductively* said to me “You know, parsley is one of my very favorite things.”

    Loved it. Favorite line ever.

    (And, no, it totally didn’t work.)

  10. Hellafied says:

    So what did you say? You’re killing me over here, Peter.

  11. sid says:

    wait a hot girl likes you and you could have ended up making-out with her IF you didn’t insult her … you do see the problem here right?

  12. Susie says:

    I haaate pick-up lines. Won’t talk to one if you use one on me.

    The best was one I had 2 guys in 2 different nights in 2 different bars use the same line/story on me from the book, The Game. The Game?? Seriously, guys?? I’m not a complete moron. Thanks though.

  13. Miss Pickle says:

    I had two great ones thrown at me in Vegas this past New Year’s. A much younger than me fellow strolled up to me on the Strip and said “Excuse me, haven’t we met?” After saying no, he says “Well, I think we have, cuz I’m pretty sure you said your name was Gorgeous”. The delivery of it was so perfect that we had to give him credit.

    A bit later we were walking by some religious protest of some sort, and this guy yells as we walked by “Jesus thinks you should come home with me!”

    Oh, can’t forget this one…my girlfriend once used the line “Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?”. It worked wonderfully.

  14. Niki Nielsen says:

    I had a guy send me a drink at a bar once. The waitress pointed the guy out and of course it was the creep I noticed eyeing me all night. He came over (very drunk), I said thanks and then I turned away. I know, a bit rude, but I don’t think buying a lady a drink gives you the right to hit on her. So a few minutes later his friend comes over (again, very drunk). He says “So you like my friend, or what?” Yikes.

  15. Tanya Kristine says:

    wait. do you like family guy?

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