15 Minute Short Story

I was writing a post for today, but, I could not get it right. I may give it another shot tomorrow. However, the lack of a post for today was stressing me out. So, while shooting the poop with Molly, two sentences popped into my head. They were followed by an idea to give myself 15 minutes (it was 10 at first, but I am yappy) to try to create a moderately entertaining short story.

And this is what I came up with…

————

It wasn’t the worst break-up in the history of break-ups.

Though how depressing a book would THAT make?

They dated for three years.

“We dated for four years,” he told a friend.

What? I was close.

“She’s a no good, dirty, lying sack of shit ho bag,” his friend gently reminded him.

“Don’t hold back on my account,” he replied.

“But, I did.”

“Wait… She’s a sack AND a bag?”

He cared about her a lot. He didn’t see the break-up coming.

At all.

According to iTunes, he listened to Bob Dylan’s “Shelter From The Storm” 739 times in a month.

His family was worried about him. Especially his mother.

“I was up all night writing a country song,” he told her.

“Sounds like a good outlet for your pain,” his mom encouraged.

“I DON’T WRITE MUSIC.”

“Ohhhhh…”

He knew that she wasn’t the best girlfriend ever. She was self-absorbed. Vain. Not overly kind. She quoted from “Sex and the City” entirely too much.

And she wouldn’t scratch his back.

He LOVED a good back-scratchin’.

He couldn’t reach the sweet spot by himself. He had pretty short arms. Like a dinosaur.

And this made him feel underappreciated. Like a dinosaur.

He couldn’t concentrate at work. This lead to him making a teensy screw-up.

It might have involved a microwave and a pacemaker. A little bit.

He got fired.

And one night, while watching “Matlock” at 3 am, he hatched a plan.

He was going to sue her.

He was going to strike a blow for everyone that has ever had their heart broken.

He was going to show her that she can’t be so cavalier with someone else’s feelings.

He was going to never watch “Matlock” again.

It blows. You ever try to watch that sumbitch?

Seriously.

So, he found a heart-broken lawyer to take his case. The heart-broken lawyer found a thrice-jilted judge to try it. The thrice-jilted judge found a dry cleaner that had been left at the altar.

But, that has very little to do with our story.

The trial began. He could barely look at the harpy. Witness after witness told his side of the story. The judge looked very sympathetic.

One day on lunch break, he bumped into the court stenographer. He noticed her long nails. He said, “Wow. I bet that you could really scratch a back with those things.” She gave him a quick free sample, smiled and went back into the court room.

For the rest of the trial, he could not keep his eyes off the stenographer. Her nimble fingers recording for history just how badly he had been treated.

His ex and her lawyer told her side of the story.

Grown apart.
Met when they were young.
Wanted different things.
She was a complete floozy.

He may have misheard the last one.

Then, on the last day of the trial, just before the judge was to deliver his ruling, he stood up — much to the shock of his lawyer. The lawyer gasped. Partially because his boxers shifted on him in a most uncomfortable way. Though, still, the moment WAS shocking.

He told the judge that he was no longer mad at his ex and wanted to call the whole thing off.

The judge went along with it. It turns out that he had a raging ebay addiction (miniature pony figurines mostly) and, honestly, wasn’t really a very good judge at all.

So, he left the courtroom hand in hand with the stenographer. He was smiling for the first time in months.

His ex was relieved. She got in her car and headed for home.

Two blocks later she ran into a cement truck (and would spend 6 months in a full body cast.)

Yeah, he had cut her brake line.

“What do you think Carrie and Miranda would say about that, bitch?”

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12 Responses

  1. molly says:

    You should shoot the poop with me more often. Because that was awesome.

  2. mindy says:

    Remind me never to set you up with any of my friends.

  3. Peter says:

    molly: Thanks! That was fun. I liked the pressure of the ticking clock.

    mindy: If I ask them to scratch my back, they should probably go ahead and just scratch my back.

  4. sybil law says:

    Hahaa that was great! Minus the part about the short arms. Short arms…. eewwww.

  5. Peter says:

    sybil: I suppose that he kind of needed them for the story.

  6. Clink says:

    I seriously, as in no joke, it absolutely happened, spit out some water I was drinking at the last line.

    Your protagonist and I have much in common: neither one of us can much stand girls who quote incessently from “SATC” and also, I love a good back scratch.

  7. Miriam says:

    Haha. You’re silly. Was she in a full body cast conveniently created by the cement from the cement truck?

  8. distracted spunk says:

    I think I might be in love with your blog. And because your short story made me giggle.

  9. lfar says:

    judges + ebay addiction = bad news.

    My Little Pony was kind of cool though, back when.

  10. CamiKaos says:

    that was pretty awesome. you should do NaNoWriMo.

  11. Princess of the Universe says:

    What is it about guys always wanting back scratches??
    That story kind of freaked me out a bit Peter…

  12. Peter says:

    clink: Whooo! There is no higher form of compliment than a spit take.

    miriam: Wait… I’m SILLY?

    distracted spunk: My blog appreciates your love! It’s really kind of needy.

    lisa: Now I have the My Little Pony song from the commercial in my head!

    camikaos: Thanks! I tried it last year, but felt like it was bossing me around.

    princess: Freaked out is cool. As long as it’s not “bored.”

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